Stewing Over Bears vs Broncos

Your resident football experts, Kevin and Burner, decided to do a running diary during the Tebows v. Bears game this weekend. With the Bears fighting for their playoff lives, and the Tebows trying to extend their AFC West lead, here’s what ensued:

30 minutes to kick off –

Kevin: whelp, we’re about 30 minutes away from kickoff and I’m three beers in. Typical Bears game for me. Burner, what are you most looking forward to in this game?

Burner: I’m most looking forward to seeing how Tim Tebow plays against a real defence and how the Broncos’ defense bounces back from last week’s poor showing at Minnesota.  I suspect they’ll do well against the mighty combo of Hanie and Barber.   Tebow’s been getting alot of love this week based on his showing against the Vikes, but I’ve heard very few analysts remark on how beat up the Vikings secondary was.

The broadcast team for this game is Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Tony Siragusa, who for my money are one of the worst broadcasting teams going today.

Kevin: “Yeah, Moose. I’m here on the field. It’s amazing. I can hear Tebow want it. Something special brewing here. Back up to you.” Zzzzzz….

Burner: And Kenny Albert is terrible, he only has his job because he sounds like his dad.   They are Fox’s #2 team behind Buck and Aikman, which I think says a lot about the guys making football decisions at Fox.  (As Drew Magary likes to point out, they think the guy who invented Cletus the dancing football robot is a genius.)

15 minutes to kick off-

Kevin: You know who needs to go away and never come back? Bette Midler. Ugh. So tired of that commercial where she sounds like a karaoke singer.

Burner: Yeah but people who have enough money to buy Acuras are old enough to know who she is.

Kevin: Football, football, football! Moose with an amazing flannel blazer today. It’s like his screwed up pinky told him what to wear so they matched.

Burner: Yowsa that is an ugly sports coat, it makes Kenny’s plaid coat, stripped shirt, and polka-dot tie combo look restrained. Kenny and Jay Glazer appear to be wearing the same suit coat.

5 minutes to kickoff:

Kevin: The obligatory update from Jay Glazer. Does anyone know how this guy has a job? Or better yet, how he has a bunch of football players using him as a trainer? How does that make any sense? He looks about as fit as I do.

1st Q, 15:00 remaining:

Burner: Oh fuck I hate Goose so much.  I can see him spitting as he churns out the clichés.

Kevin: Lol, “I didn’t know if I liked Tebow, until I met him. SOLD!” Oh Goose, you are a DE-LIGHT.

Burner: There it is about Minnesota again, with nothing said about how their whole secondary is backups and guys off the street.

1st Q, 13:52 remaining:

Kevin: Broncos go three and out on their first drive. Have a feeling Briggs and Urlacher are going to have a lot of tackles today.

Burner: We should get used to seeing the three and outs.  Apparently the Broncos don’t have a problem with it, the punter is part of their game plan, though that was an uncharacteristically short punt from Colquitt there.

1st commercial timeout:

Kevin: I used to think these Southwest commercials with these “officials” roaming airports was clever. Now i’m tired of them.

1st Q, 11:56 remaining:

Kevin: Lovie Smith coached team everyone! Come out of a timeout….false start penalty. Now 3rd and 12 for a guy that can’t make a 5 yard pass.

Burner: Wow Bell got close to the first down there that was some good YAC.  Back to back three and outs and I crack my first beer of the day, Full Sail’s Wassail Winter Ale, what’re you drinking today Kevin?

Kevin: First beer?? I’m on 4. This is how Bears fans watch their football team. It’s really the only way to get through it. And I’m SUFFERING through Miller Genuine Draft’s. Sigh. Game beer leftover fail.

Burner: Well I’m trying not to drink when I have to work the next day, but I think I’m going to need something to get through this three-and-out-fest.

1st Q, 10:58 remaining:

Kevin: First option play by Tebow goes for an impressive -4 yards.

1st Q 9:52 Left:

Burner: Our third three-and-out in a row, we should start a running count of how many there are today.

Kevin: Hester calls a fair catch. The first of the season. We’re in week 11 folks. And yes, agreed on keeping track of the three and outs. We should match three and outs with number of beers finished. We gotta get through this somehow.

Burner: LOL I only have six beers here so I hope you’re sitting on a bunch of those Miller Heavies.

1st Q 8:29 left:

Kevin: Barber has a couple of nice runs in a row. Burner what would it take for you to grow out your hair like that?

Burner: Dreads? Or just long? I’m pretty lazy about my personal grooming so growing my hair long would only require a job that would let me.  No dreads though, wouldn’t want to be mistaken for a trustafarian.

Kevin: 3rd and 19 now. Two drives. Two third and more than 10’s. “Bear down! Chicago Bears….” Is John Shoop making a guest appearance as Offensive Coordinator today?

Burner: I love that Shoop has been gone for years and years, but he’s still the gold standard for shitty over conservative Bear’s play calling.

Kevin: You can’t touch the master of offensive ineptitude.









1st Q 6:39 left

Kevin: Third Broncos possession. Each time starting at the 20 yard line or less.

Burner: First first down of the day for the Broncos, Demaryius Thomas is finally starting to look like the guy the Broncos thought they were getting when they drafted him.  Getting the feeling here that the Bears are going to make Tebow beat them with his arm, and their secondary is a bit better than Minnesota’s

Kevin: Looked like a decent throw by Tebow too. Very patient. Meanwhile, 2nd option play goes for -2 yards. I’m thinking that stuff isn’t gonna fly with the speed the Bears have.

1st Q 4:42 left

Kevin: Broncos negate the first 1st down of the day with a penalty. Now 3rd and 16. And Tebow gets 20 seconds to throw the ball and makes a good throw for the 1st down rolling out of the pocket. Sigh…

Burner: There’s that Roethlisberger play style that, if he can maintain it, will keep Tebow in the league for years.  Scramble, scramble, chuck it.

1st Q, 3:12 left

Kevin: Oof, Tebow got drilled by Briggs after that throw, called a personal foul. What a shit call. There’s the 2011 NFL I was complaining about earlier today.

Burner: He didn’t even fall down and it’s a personal foul? So you can’t even hit a guy in the chest with your arms any more, got it.

1st Q, 2:26 left

Burner: And there it is, the second Tebow INT of the year and the first in 6 games.  Not much of a surprise that it came against the Bears.

Kevin: Wow, that was a great interception by Tillman. Good catch and good job staying in bounds. Stops a pretty good Broncos drive that start inside their 10. No worries though, Haine will give the ball back in three downs and 4 yards total gained. Book it.

Burner: Wow Peanut managed to hold onto the ball despite a forearm to the balls, well done.

1st Q: 2:05 left

Kevin: Just saw our first preview of Alcatraz. Thoughts? Looks hella-good. I’m excited.

Burner: It’s on Fox so I’ll withhold judgement till it airs.  Tera Nova looked hella-cool too and we know how that turned out.

1st Q: 1:45 left

Kevin: Annnnnnnnd, another Bears punt. End of the 1st quarter. What are we up to now? 5 punts and an interception? So far the most exciting part of this game has been the Broncos cheerleaders.

Burner: I work with one of the Broncos cheerleaders. True story.

Kevin: WHAT?! Does your wife know about this? Hopefully you pester her all day long.

Burner: Well my wife and I work in the same place, so yes she does.  I do not pester her, because I am not a douche.

Kevin: Lol, touche.

2nd Quarter 15:00 left in the half.

Kevin: I took a pee break and interrupted my pregnant wife watching “Once Upon A Time” while making three different types of cookies. I quickly ran back to my man cave in the basement.

Burner: What is “Once Upon A Time?”

Kevin: An awful ABC/Disney show about “real world” fantasy characters (Snow White, Cinderella, etc)

2nd Q, 13:53 Left

Burner: Third sack of Tebow following a 5 yard penalty its 3rd and 15.  Tebow breaks off a 15 yard run on third down and proves Klosterman right about one thing, dude is hard to tackle.

Kevin: Wow, great Tebow run there. About 3 broken tackles. Surprised no personal fouls since the Bears tackled him.

Burner: God Goose is terrible, in a league with Aaron Rodgers and Cam Newton and Mike Vick, on a day where Mark freakin’ Sanchez ran for two TDs, its “a breath of fresh air to see a QB run and not slide” what a moron.

2nd Q, 10:23 Left

Burner: So the defender gets pushed by an O-lineman into the QBs knees and that’s a personal foul.

Kevin: Aw for f*ck sakes. Another QB personal foul for a “late” hit on Idonije. This one was at least close, though he was going for the tackle as the ball was out.

Kevin: First Curt Meneffee game look-in. Green Bay up 14-0 in 1st. Shocker.

2nd Q, 10:20 left:

Kevin: Tebow with another run for a first down. He can scramble with the best of them, I’ll give him that. Broncos in business at the 25 yard line.

2nd Q  8:35 left:

Burner: 10 plays, 56 yards, and 6+ min on this drive, the Bronco’s defense has to be loving this.

2nd Q  7:27 Left:

Burner: And the Bronco’s drive stalls out in the Red Zone.   As Prater lines up for the chip shot the Broncos call a time out, not sure why.  Taking a play from Jason Garrett’s book maybe?

Kevin: Yeah I’m not sure. You can’t possibly think about going for this on 4th down right?

Kevin: So they have to burn a timeout to keep it to a 29 yard FG and not a 34. Why on earth would Fox be upset Moose? To save an unused timeout in the 2nd quarter? Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumbbbbbbbbb.

Burner: BLOCKED! Blocked by Peppers.

Kevin: That block was epic. Too bad Haine will do nothing now. Especially with Hester dropping passes right on his hands.

Burner: In the background you can hear one of the most annoying things about going to a game at Mile High, the “In-Com-Plete” chant.

Kevin: Some insider info. I like it. Is it as annoying as the Bears? Announcer: “There’s a first down.” Crowd: ”WHERE?” Announcer: “…..on the field….”

Burner: Other annoying game sounds: The Vikings’ War Horn and the Panthers’… I dunno aggressive Meow.

Kevin: Lol.

2nd Q 5:47

Kevin: Bears with the blocked field goal and an immediate 3 and out. That’s another beer. Up to this point, Bears have 16 plays, 40 total yards. -6 passing. “Bear down…”

Kevin: So at this point are people still complaining that Cutler isn’t an amazing QB? HIS offense had just scored 30+ in 4 out of the last 5 games. This Bears offense can barely get a first down.

2nd Q 4:04 Left:

Burner: Big punt by Colquitt and a holding call on Peanut will pin the Bears deep, I do not have high hopes for Hanie taking them on a 90yd drive.  The score remains: 0-0.

The Cutler injury really came at the worst possible time, not enough time to bring in an experienced guy to close out the season.

Kevin: Better grab another beer. I think we’re up to 7 three and outs now.

Kevin: Did Von Miller just make a tackle and then do a flip?

Burner: He did.  If he played for Detroit or Buffalo that would have been a 15 yard penalty.  I’d like to penalize Goose with 15 minutes of silence for shouting “BING!” while watching the replay (of the flip, not the tackle).

2:00 minute warning

Kevin: Beer run!

Burner: Bears are down into Broncos’ territory, Hanie’s looking to prove me wrong.

2nd Q 1:43 Left:

Burner: John Shoop returns to call an ineffective screen pass, 4 yard loss for the Bears.

Kevin: I’m really getting to the last of my beer fridge. A Corona left over from 4th of July 2011. I’m sure it’s fresh!

Burner: An ancient Corona, why not just lick a skunk’s scent glands?

Kevin: Lol, it won’t be THAT bad. I added a lime! <–Super cool in 2003. UPDATE: I just had my first taste, and I did smell a hint of skunk. Thanks.

End of the 1st:

Kevin: Well, that was awful. And nice to see Green Bay is up 30-0 with 7 minutes to go IN THE FIRST HALF. Ugh.

Burner: Indeed.

Burner: Talking about how good the Broncos’ defense looks against this Bears’ offense = talking about how well Tebow threw against Minnesota.

Kevin: There is nothing I care less about than the UFC, unless it’s the fact that FOX is now broadcasting the UFC.

Burner: Come on, you love the homo-eroticism of it, admit it…Couple a dudes in little shorts rolling around in a chain link cage, accompanied by the low breathy tones of Joe Rogan, it’s like the porn cache on your computer.

Kevin: Lol, you got me.

3rd Quarter 15:00 Remaining:

Burner: Goose in utterly incapable of repeating the clichés spouted at him by John Fox, that’s good braodcastin’!

Kevin: Solid three and out start there for the Bears. I thought they’d try to trick the Broncos a little, show a different part of the game plan. But the three and out has been working so far, so why change?

Burner: I despise this Volkswagen commercial, if there’s anything worse than an Elton John song it’s an Elton John song being sang with dumb incorrect lyrics by people who cannot sing.

Tebow 3-13 for 45 yards in the first half, Johnston immediately beings to make excuses for him.

3rd Q 13:05 Left

Kevin: Beautiful bomb thrown by Tebow there, WR just couldn’t bring it in. Bears got lucky.

Burner: Tebow throws a great bomb and a great screen pass, it’s just those throws between 0 and 60 yards that trip him up.   He’s 0 for his last 10 and the Broncos punt again.

Kevin: Ugh, this is like watching a junior varsity game.

Burner: Note to Kenny et al.   Denver weather is odd, there is nothing unusual about a 50 degree day in December.  I’ve experienced 60 degree December days followed by a foot of snow while living here.

3rd Q 11:09 left:

Burner: Both teams have already used a time out so far.  This Bears’ time out is mystifying, Hanie isn’t going to get 15 yards why not save the time out and let him not get 20 yards?

Kevin: Easy answer: Lovie Smith. Also, another punt by the Bears. 7 Bears possessions, 7 punts.

Burner: These Visa commercials kill me.  “Win a trip to INDIANAPOLIS!!!”  Um…woo?

3rd Q 9:30 left:

Burner: After a 9 yard run by Tebow, the Broncos get 0 yards out of another Tebow run and a McGahee run, three and out, punt.

Kevin: Yeah good stop on third. It’d be nice if the Bears could actually do something here. I feel like a field goal could win it.

Kevin: Hester with a nice run back. Gives Haine the ball at the Broncos 45 yard line. I’m guessing they still don’t score.

Burner: Barber inside the 20, the coming field goal would/could be the first points of the game.

3rd Q 6:06 Left

Kevin: Here we go, 3rd and 1, ball on the 11. And a first down Barber! All started by Hester’s punt return. If you’re Martz, this has to be 3 straight runs so Haine doesn’t turn it over.

Burner: A touch down here would be ENORMOUS.

Kevin: TOUCHDOWN BEARS! Nice run by Barber there. That touchdown is like a 20 pt lead the way this game has gone. Let’s see if Tebow has some magic.

3rd Q 5:19 Left:

Burner: B-Dawk on the sidelines in a poncho with his helmet off.  Broncos are calling it a neck injury, which I think is probably code for “a concussion, but we’d like him to play next week so we’re calling it a neck.”

Burner: Tebow’s 3-15 and down by a touchdown, “Right where the Broncos want them” according to Darryl.  Thrid straight three and out for the Broncos after a 6 yard Tebow scramble leads to another Colquitt punt.

3rd Q 3:47 left:

Kevin: Barber with another good run. I think he’s showing that Forte is expendable. Cutler + Barber is just as good as Cutler + Forte.

Burner: WOW quite a catch by everyone’s favorite Roy Williams.

Kevin: Don’t you hate those guys with all the talent but zero production?

Burner: IE every lineman signed by the Rams from 2002-2008? Yes, that drives me crazy.

3rd Q 1:00 left:

Burner: Bear last three plays, 15 yard personal foul on Hester, sack on Hanie 5 yard loss, 1 yard run, 3rd and 27.  A screen to Barber picks up a chunk of yard and moves it into range for a 57 yard Robbie Gould field goal try.

Kevin: Gould for a 57 yard FG? NAILS IT. Wow. That was good from 65.

Burner: Gotta love that thin Denver air when you’re a kicker. Bears up by ten now, just how the Tebows like it.  7 points? Not enough magic, need at least a 10 point come back for REAL magic!

4th Quarter 13:19 left:

Burner: 4th three and out in a row for the Donkeys.

Kevin: This is the worst spot to be in for Tebow – forced to throw to win the game. Fox hasn’t opened up the playbook yet, but he’s got to here pretty soon if they’re going to try and win.

Burner: Our first Culter sideline shot of the day, good to know he looks like a sulking hung over bastard even when he’s not playing.

4th Q 11:30 Left

Kevin: UGGGHHHHHHH. Haine misses a WIDE open Barber that would have gone the distance. WTF. He’s TERRIBLE. I’m tired of people saying that Tebow is bad. You know what bad is? Haine. Haine is in his own level of bad.

Burner: Tebow gets his first completion since the first quarter picking up 14 yards.  Is it TEBOW TIME?!

Kevin: Two straight…here we go!!

4th Q 9:22 left:

Burner: And there it is, the once a game Tebow-spins-around-for-no-reason play.

Kevin: OH YEAH. Tebow fumbles. Bears ball.  (awaits Haine to throw a pick 6)

Burner: That fumble goes at least partially to Tebow’s wacky throwing motion.  If he didn’t have to start throwing it at his waist to get the full windmill action on his pass, the ball wouldn’t have been down there to get swatted.

4th Q 8:38 Left

Kevin: Still plenty of time here. You know the Bears won’t let Haine throw the ball. (well, at least you hope they’re that smart)

Burner: Well it is Mike Martz… but you’re probably right, it’ll be on Marion Barber’s back to grind the clock now.

Kevin: Good stop here by the Broncos. Come on Tebow. I want some drama.

Kevin: Moose and Goose complaining about the Bears being too conservative with the play calling. They’ve watching Haine play this game right? What morons.

Burner: Yeah I’d love to see some statistics on which is the more accurate predictor, play in previous forth quarters against other teams, as Darryl Johnston seems to think, or play in the previous three quarters against the current team.  If you’re the Bears I see no reason to be concerned about putting your defense back on the field. Tebow is 6-19 and McGahee has only 33yards rushing. I find that 4 dropped pass stat interesting after Johnston was blaming Tebow’s passing woes on his receivers, he’s 8-21, the drops would make him 12 for 21 also not a great passing line.

Kevin: In fairness though, one of those was a 60 yard bomb that should have been a TD.

Burner: I disagree, what I saw was a receiver get over thrown and get lucky to stretch out and make contact with the ball.

Kevin: As the great John Madden used to say, if it hits your hands, it’s catchable.

Kevin: Funny aside, I just went outside to check out all the Christmas lights I put up today. I’ve got a gigantic pine tree in front of my house. As I walked past, I felt something hit my arm and then I heard a bunch of squeaks. I’m thinking it was a bat. My wife came out and I kicked the tree and sure enough, a bat went flying towards her, which resulted in a bloody murder scream my entire neighborhood must have heard. SUBURBS!

4th Q 4:00 Left

Burner: Looks like the Bears are in prevent mode, happy to give up anything in the middle of the field that will keep the clock running.

Also: I would just like to note here that Green Bay is up 43-7 in the THIRD quarter.

4th Q 2:10 Left:

Kevin: Nice TD throw there by Tebow. Faked the run and then held back to let his guy get open. I don’t think they were quick enough though. Seemed to waste a lot of clock.

Burner: No time outs left the Broncos have to try the onside here, if the bears recover the game is probably over.   Also that lady on the horse that runs out on the field after touch downs really puts the Broncos at Kansas City levels of redneckhood.

2:00 minute warning

Kevin: That was a great onside try by the Broncos. Just unfortunate they had two guys going for the ball. Ended up knocking it to a Bears player. Alright, so Tebow’s gonna get what, 35-45 seconds to get it into field goal range?

Burner: Give or take.  All the Bears need is a first down and it’s all over.

Kevin: Yeah, but they’ve been stopped about 12 runs in a row now.

Burner: Oh shit, what was Barber thinking? Stopping the clock by running out of bounds was the worst thing he could do.

Kevin: Yeah that’s gonna help. Now probably gonna have a full minute.

Kevin: Here’s your Klosterman article – how many people in Mile High think they win or at least get to over time? 60%? 70%? Get a decent run back here, 2-3 passes, boom.

Kevin: Oh, great special teams tackle there. Alright, here we go. Tebow time! :56 seconds remaining.

Kevin: If I’m the Broncos I’m taking a shot down the middle of the field right here. Plenty of time to get up and spike the ball.

Burner: Tick Tick Tick

Kevin: So, 70 yarder is 47ish on the Broncos side. Only about 10 more yards to go.

4th Q. :23 Left

Kevin: LOL, instead Tebow gets them 15 yards. Now on the Bears side of the 50, all the way to the 42. Now you’re looking at 59

Burner: Good to see Elway is still dippin’.

4th Q .08 left

Kevin: Alright, here we go. 59 yard FG to tie it. This’ll be Tebow mania if he hits it.  FUCKING NAILS IT. Good Lord.

Burner: Overtime here we come.   I can’t help but feel you’re rooting against the Bears at this point.

Kevin: The story of Tebow at this point is greater than the Bears getting to the playoffs with absolutely no shot against the Packers. If Cutler and Forte hadn’t been knocked out, then sure, I’d be pissed right now. But it’s just great entertainment at this point.

Burner: Marion Barber is already Goat of the Week.  Chicago wins the coin toss and takes the ball, teams that take the ball first have lost in overtime more often than not so far this season.

Kevin: I feel like I just witnessed a man split one loaf of bread and one fish to feed thousands.

Burner: I refuse to respond to your hyperbole.  What I saw was Marion Barber and blown coverage, give away a win in regulation.

Kevin: Lol, non-believer!

OT 13:50

Burner: WOW what a catch by Barber, trying to erase that goat status.

Kevin: Boy, that was close. They should have challenged that if they could have. Looks like it hits the ground.

Burner: They can’t challenge its OT.

Kevin: Then the Tebows got screwed! Just more adversity for Tebow to overcome here.

Burner: I know it’s like his best friend just sold him out to some angry Jewish clergy!!!

OT 13:00

Kevin: This will be pretty anti-climactic if the Bears just march it down and kick a FG. I want a Tebow drive for the win. Don’t deny me!


Burner: Good lord.  Laura says, “Somebody better put [Barber] on suicide watch.”

OT 11:47

Kevin: Jim just texted me “I totally missed the end of this game. What happened.” My response” Tebow happened!”

Burner: Right if by “Tebow” you mean Cowboys castoff “Marion Barber.”

Kevin: Come on now, Tebow’s making throws. I wonder what his stats are 4th quarter on. He was 10-10 to finish regulation.

Burner: Come on nothing, Barber stays in bounds the game is over, Barber doesn’t fumble the game is over.

OT 9:37

Kevin: If Tebow wins this game by throwing 40 times….Ugh. The 2011 Bears everyone.

Kevin: Now they’re playing John Denver. THE BEARS HAVE NO CHANCE.

OT 8:40

Kevin: Alright, here we go. 51 yard attempt for the Broncos to win. Bears try to ice the first attempt.

Kevin: Sigh. And the Bears lose. Shocker…nope.

Burner: So I’ve been thinking about this statistic that says that when a team wins a lot of close games in one season they tend to regress the next season and revert to the mean.  I’ve been thinking about this is terms of Tebow’s career arc.  It seems to me that it’s a lock that the Broncos make the playoffs at this point which means they have to bring Tebow back to be the starter next season.   But what happens when everything doesn’t click the way it has this season?  Do they continue to remake the team around what he does? To they declare the Tebow experiment failed?   I find what they do going forward far more interesting than whether they lose to the Ravens or Pats or Steelers in the playoffs.

Kevin: Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see how this goes. Problem is you keep saying “oh it’ll end soon enough” and yet we’re now what, 6-1?

Burner: Memo to Chuck Klosterman, “First off I’d like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ” is why people don’t like Tebow.  Keep your Jesus to yourself or at least tone it down a notch.

Kevin: Bah. Why get so bothered by that? That’s why people hate him, he’s too in your face about it. But either way, shitty, shitty game. This is why I had so many beers. Bears are toast. Bring on Illinois basketball, bring on Derrick Rose’s second MVP season. NFL football is over in my house.

Kevin: Aight, let’s wrap this up. Final thoughts? Worst loss for the Bears for as long as I can remember. Playoffs on the line and you have two moronic plays in a span of about 5 minutes.

Burner: Agreed, terrible game.  For as exciting as it was at the end the majority of it was crushingly boring.   I think the lesson here is to not turn on any Broncos games until the 4th quarter.  I sure would have liked to see these two teams play when the Bears had a functioning offense. Next week should be a good test against the Patriots though, here’s hoping there’s a little more action in the first three quarters.

Alright, until next time. Kevin and Burner signing off.

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