Dead Heat: Netflix “Watch Instantly” Hidden Gems #2

 

DEAD HEAT

Last week Roger convinced me to watch Dead Heat by describing it as a movie where Nazi scientists create a legion of super villains.  His plot summary was a damn, dirty lie.  What I watched instead:

  • No Nazi scientists (automatic letter grade deduction)
  • Joe Piscopo and Treat Williams drive me to such a basement of crushing depression and lack of faith in filmmaking I don’t watch any films for an entire week afterward.
  • Two famous actors decide to end their careers on a low note. We’re talking the lowest notes human beings can even produce with their vocal chords.

This movie is NOT a major award!

"Is this really how my career ends? F*&k me." - Vincent Price

  • Joe Piscopo outfits combine the extremely tight shirts and pants of a ballet dancer with a leather jacket from Grease. It is truly remarkable.
  • “Mullet Ape” (played throughout the entire movie by Joe Piscopo) beats Fat Bastard’s uglier brother to death with a fire extinguisher (because bullets don’t work!)

"Joe Piscopo is the Missing Link" - Roger

 VS.

I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly!

  • The catchphrase “You have the right to remain disgusting” is used and BARELY misses on catching on in pop culture.
    • Honorable mention for the catchphrase “That’s gross. That’s really gross.”
  • I am reminded how in movies if you shoot a door panel it opens the locked door vs. just breaking the control panel (which is my experience after punching a light switch in real life)
  • There is a donut joke because they are cops! LOL! ROFL! and more great ’80s cop humor:

I'm the obligatory 1980s angry African-American Police Chief...THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE SO LISTEN TO ME OR YOU'RE OFF THE FORCE!

  • We get an entire fight scene between “Mullet Ape,” “the Treat,” and reanimated butcher shop meat.

A fight scene viler than the Human Centipede

  • If I only had 12 hours to live (as Treat Williams does at some point in the movie) I wouldn’t go to a library.  I might burn down a library, but I wouldn’t go into one. (Go Kindle!)
  • Joe Piscopo holds a book upside down, thus finally confirming our suspicions that Joe Piscopo is illiterate.
  • Joe Piscopo loses a $10 bet in the movie. This was the movie’s dramatic standout moment.

I don't know what's scarier, his face or his ocular nightmare beach shirt

  • Dead Heat sets a record for most MIDI stock music in a feature film.
  • This machine uses “Galvanic Reanimation,” the exact same scientific theory as Dr. Frankenstein. This method was proven impossible… in the late 19th century.  Perhaps in Dead Heat 2 (fingers crossed!) they will try blood letting on Joe Piscopo (fingers crossed!).
  • This machine rewrites everything we know about science:

Does this reanimator come with a Quickstart CD?

  • Treat Williams raises his voice only once in the entire movie because that is all Treat needs to show us his AMAZING RANGE.
  • There’s always a sub-villain in Chinatown who is responsible for shady dealings.  Ancient Eastern secrets are the gateway to all evil.

Treat Williams acting out what Dead Heat did to his career. This is his best, most honest acting

  • Joe Piscopo and Treat Williams routinely get parking tickets.  They are cops. Why are they getting tickets and why are they CARING about getting tickets?
  • Apparently when you work for the police department you can drive any car you want, including convertibles usually reserved for background props in 1980s workout videos.

I have nothing bad to say about this moment in the movie.

  • After Treat pulls the above geniusness he is angrily scolded that “The captain is going to hear about this!” Perhaps said generic police officer will also tell “the captain” that the entire police force shot the undead criminals over 100 times before Treat ended the above villain with his sweet t-bone.  But probably not.  They will likely overlook the SCIENCE-BREAKING AND GOD-DEFYING FACTS and simply be mad about his unorthodox driving.
  • I’ve never had such a hard time following a plot. When “Doug” dies I asked Roger, “Who is Doug?”  He said, “I don’t know.” I looked it up on IMDB and realized it’s fucking Joe Piscopo’s character. *sigh*
  • Line of the movie: “Poor people are supposed to die!” Brought to you by…

Joe Piscopo is a no good bum!

Joe Piscopo was once a famous actor and comedian.  He currently has 754 people who “like” his official Facebook page.  That is fewer Facebook fans than any random 15-year-old girl on Facebook.

The end.

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