Best Game of 1988: Runner-ups Rant!

I’d like to note first, before getting into two games far more deserving of the “Best Game of 1988” distinction, that R.B.I. Baseball is overrated, frustrating and if it was a person and had a physical presence it would probably smell bad.

First game that’s better than RBI:

Super Mario Bros. 2

First, the box says, “Mario Madness,” so right there we know this game is a shitload of good times.  Sure the bad guys are goofy and they forever alter (read: ruin) the Mario character roster, but the variety, the pizzazz!  What would the world be like without Birdo?  How would everyone have definitive, programmed proof that Mario is a worse character than his companions?  HOW ELSE WOULD WE RIP TURNIPS FROM THE GROUND AND HURL THEM AT SHY GUYS?  HOW ELSE!!!!!!!?
Maybe if R.B.I. Baseball  had “Baseball Madness” on the front we’d have a whiff of competition here. Wait, that game already exists–it’s called Baseball Simulator 1000 and it’s better than R.B.I. as well.  And for the record, I’d much rather play as a team called “the Pickles” than something lame like “the Twins” or “the Cardinals.”  Pickles are delicious AND nutritious and I’ll slap the face of any man who speaks a word to the contrary.

And a game that’s even better than Super Mario Bros. 2 (and thus vastly superior to R.B.I.):

Contra

I made the cover art even bigger to scale proportionately to Contra’s superiority.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve always dreamed of shirtlessly fighting through a jungle with only three lives standing between my victory and the inevitable destruction of the human race. And, if you’ve shared my shockingly specific dream, you will be happy to know that Contra will fulfill your wildest dreams (which is most likely the dream I just mentioned since it is certainly pretty wild).    As Willy Wonka once said, “*We* are the music makers… and *we* are the dreamers of dreams.”  That means Konami and Willy Wonka are in the same top-tier boat of dreamers.  To clarify, I’m using the term “boat” as a metaphor and it has nothing, and I can not be too adamant about this, NOTHING to do with the scary boat Willy Wonka uses to transport  his guest around the factory.

Similar to how at the end of Willy Wonka, the insane chocolatier listed off why Charlie doesn’t win the prize, I will now list what Contra has that R.B.I. does not …i promise that’s my last “Wonka reference”

  • In Contra: you can jump into the air and do multiple flips before hitting the ground.  And when you’re in the air, if you think, “Hey, I want to defy physics and change direction in the middle of my six flip jump!” that’s not a problem.
  • In R.B.I.: you can’t jump.   not…at…all.
  • In Contra: you have a variety of kick-ass guns that never let you down.
  • In R.B.I.: you have one good pitcher with a decent gun.  One mediocre pitcher who’s good for one inning and three terrible pitchers with awful guns.
  • In Contra: You save the world.
  • In R.B.I.: You save your pinch hitter until your weakest batter comes up and then immediately sub him out.

Looks like Contra just shot a fatal spread shot right into Tony Armas’s mustache.

Do you know what’s cooler than Tony Armas?

This thing:


And…..SCENE!

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