Walking Dead on Red Bull: 2-8 “Nebraska”

Walking Dead returned tonight and that means the start of the exciting new series of articles where I watch and review Walking Dead after pounding a Red Bull. If things start getting aggravating with Rick’s crew, and I’m sure they will, I’ll increase the amount of Red Bulls accordingly.

Obviously there will be spoilers so (read as if Shane is shouting it into your face) YOU WERE WARNED NOT TO PROCEED BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY YOU DID IT AND YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET IT!

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Walking Dead Episode 2-8 “Nebraska”
Red Bulls: 1

After a quick recap of the mid-season finale in which Walking Dead pulled out JUST enough stops to redeem the largely lackluster and supremely slow moving season 2 we are treated to…

IMMEDIATE return of character stupidity as someone just wanders into a pile of zombies and immediately gets attacked. Clearly a screenwriter wanted to start off the season with a sweet CGI scythe kill.

The entire cast drinks Lipton Instant Stupidity

Shane is just where we left him: absolute INSHANEITY. Sophia’s zombie corpse has barely soaked the ground when Shane is already high-fiving people and reassuring them that the massacre was an amazing idea. Hershel is not convinced…at all.

Hershel says, “get off my land.” Much like viewers Hershel really wants the plot to move along.

Despite my hopes, the Walking Dead intro sequence remains the same. As boring as the Lost intro but 10 times as long.

Already forgetting about the moronic decisions that lead them to the scythe incident people are still milling about with zombie bodies, covering them with wasting good blankets. ANOTHER SCYTHE KILL!! #kidding

Everyone is so sad. So very, very sad. Except Shane. He is still “Shaning” everyone into thinking his insurrection was super sweet.

Glenn continues to wow me with his special brand of “non-acting” Despite Glenn talking for two minutes straight all I still know about Glenn is 1) he has low confidence 2) he is Asian.

I must have blinked and missed it but at some point Glenn and Maggie developed a meaningful relationship. Can someone help me with this?

Glenn laments Sophia’s death. “This is Sophia!? this was different” excuse me one sec…NO ONE EVEN KNEW SOPHIA’S NAME BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARED IGNORED RICK’S DIRECT INSTRUCTIONS AND GOT HERSELF KILLED. Glenn needs a good Shaning to set him straight!

Glenn provides a hilariously awkward coup de grace for his odd conversation with Maggie by kissing her on the top of her head like she is his kid sister. Nothing sexual. Nice, Glenn. keep toying with her. Really get her confused and then hopefully SCYTHE KILL! At the end of the scene Glen is still Asian.

Rick’s son (is his name Clyde? Jason? Rick jr? i don’t remember or care) tells his mom he would have shot Sophia as well. No one cares because Clyde/Jason/Rick Jr. is dumb and a child.

Dumb and Dumber

Lori asks Dale AKA Old Man Lookout to escort Clyde/Jason/Rick Jr. to the trailer. Probably because Clyde/Jason/Rick Jr. can not walk 50 yards by himself but morseo because Lori likes to give Old Man Lookout stuff to do to make him feel like he has value. He does not have any value.

Suicide Girl Andrea decides they need a memorial service for the dead. Everyone looks at her an wonders why she is even on the show.

One of Hershel’s people tries to pull around the truck to transport the bodies but that WILL NOT STAND. Shane stops him cold in his tracks. “I am Shane and I drive all of the trucks around here!” Shane says with one look.

Suicide Girl says, “we bury the ones we love and burn the rest.” haha. they must HATE some of those people if they can’t be bothered to dig graves for everyone while they SIT ON A FARM AND DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Rick is having some major doubts about everything happening. So am I.

Old Man Lookout is suspicious of Shane’s power over trucks. Shane goes completely INSHANE again but OML thinks he can defeat Shane with the steely glare of his old, grey eyeballs. OML seems to be convinced lasers will blast from his eyes if he concentrates hard enough. This does not happen and Old Man Lookout disappoints us YET AGAIN.

Shane doesn’t drive the truck close enough to help with the bodies. Shane does what he wants.

Boondock Saint is so sad. So very, very sad.

Sophia’s mom and her buzz cut continue to selfishly devour valuable screentime.

Hershel packs up a lot of belongings including some jewelry.. He is going to be on Pawn Stars!

Hershel has some remarkably terrible ties.

There’s a cool overhead shot of the survivors walking away from the filled in graves. Surprisingly for a show where every character has an uncanny ability to be longwinded, no one says a word at the funeral.

Sophia’s mom and her buzz cut pick flowers like a mentally ill person.

When observing Hershel, Suicide Girl says “He’s grieving. he’ll come along” Tomorrow morning she fully expects Hershel will spring out of his bed like he’s in a Folger’s commercial.

Suicide Girl continues to astonish me with poor decision making by riding in the back of a truck filled with dead zombies. She runs a little bit reminding me of how she clearly cannot run properly.

Hershell goes MIA! He’s getting his belongings appraised. Hopefully he doesn’t have to deal with Chumlee. Rick decides to head to town as well to get an appraisal of his leadership. The Old Man and Rick agree that his leadership is currently worth $0.

"uhhhhh, i'll give you $5 for that old man with the binoculars. final offer"

“We need Hershell for the baby” Rick tells Lori. I don’t understand that and it grosses me out for some reason.

Rick does not approve of Glenn’s interracial relationship. Sighs loudly as Maggie and Glenn kiss.

Apparently after picking flowers, Sophia’s mom went wandering in the woods despite knowing that’s a terrible thing to do. Now we know where Sophia got it from!

“This place is going to hell.” says Old Man Lookout. He starts spreading his own rumors. How does he know exactly what happened to Otis? That doesn’t matter. Lori is immediately convinced he’s right. Score 1 for OML.

Glenn is riding in the car, casually pointing the shotgun directly at his own face. Do it Glenn!

Glenn tells Rick that Maggie barely knows him so how can she love him? Glenn gets a gold star. Unfortunately for Glenn, if Maggie actually knew you she would dump you down a well. a well filled with zombies. oh god, that always happens to Glenn!

Glen and Rick get to town and slain the car doors and shout at each other. They must be carefree about alerting zombies now that Shane killed everyone.

Suddently there is a woman sick in bed. She looks like Mozart! Mozart is experiencing “catatonic shock”

Hershel is hanging out at his favorite old timey bar.

Hershel says, “there is no hope” and “there is no hope left” I’m starting to get the impression that Hershel has given up hope.

Lori hits the road BY HERSELF to go “help Rick and Glenn”. That is an extremely good idea because she is pregnant, generally incompetent and perhaps most importantly because they don’t need any help. She doesn’t even ask Old Man Lookout if he’ll go with her. He’d probably have baked her cookies just for the opportunity. Perhaps he’s just too damn off-putting?

Lori lives up to my expectations by deciding to check the map while driving. For some reason Lori’s response to hitting a walker is to accelerate wildly and scream. Her car crashes in a truly over-the-top and spectacular fashion. I’m going to assume she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt…you know, because she is an absolute moron. Fingers crossed that this accident brings an end to the eye-rollingly melodramatic pregnancy plot.

Shane and the guy who’s always injured are stacking up the bodies of the people not worthy for graves. They are getting ready for a bonfire. Dale runs around the corner, “i have the marshmallows” he shouts! Shane shoots him dead. #kidding.

New characters! wha? i like this.

Within seconds these two new guys are looking super shifty. One of the guys is Rene from True Blood and the other is Dom DeLuise. He looks hilarious with his hat! They both have gold necklaces so they are definitely not good guys.

why?

Dom DeLuise is urinating inside the building. 100% odds that they’re going to die.

Rick and Hershel tell Dom and Rene they can’t go to the farm with them. Clearly Hershel and Rick don’t want to upset their current dream team of zombie killing geniuses.

Dom and Rene get waxed as RICK CLEANS UP with his revolver. YES. Hershel looks slightly aroused.

Rick unloads many, many bullets into Dom DeLuise to make him  very, very dead. Rick hates celebrity chef actor comedians.

Shane starts up the CGI bonfire. Walking Dead needs to plus up their special effects…and their music. Who is this, Mumford and Sons?

Fake!

Lori is still laying in a ditch somewhere so things are looking up for Walking Dead!

 

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