Walking Dead on Red Bull: 2-9 “Triggerfinger”

Walking Dead Episode 2-9 “Triggerfinger”

Red Bulls: 1

I pounded my Red Bull during the “Previously on Walking Dead…” primer so I could feel the energy rush hit me mid-zombie attack…or more likely mid-ridiculous interpersonal conflict.

EPISODE STARTS

Lori is laying in her car after her idiotic traffic accident.  How is it pitch black out already?  Wasn’t it early dusk when she crashed?  She looks dead.  I hope she is.  Come on, be dead!  Yes! a zombie!!! I hope it eats her brains.

Curses, Lori wakes up right before the intro credits. Come on Walking Dead, at least you could have let me think she was dead through the credits.  That extra minute would have been so wonderful.

Intro credit sequence is still very boring.

Now we’re back with Rick. It appears he just finished shooting Dom DeLuise.  Once again though, how is it pitch black out all of a sudden? Does killing an overweight comedian affect the earth’s rotation?

It looks like Rene and Dom’s scumbag friends are in town. I’m sure the new “Strangers” will have peaceful intentions. They probably just want to eat some Cold Stone and catch a quick movie at the theater.

Back to Lori in the car…impressive special effects of the zombie’s skin tearing off on the glass, but my mind keeps going back to one hope…EAT LORI. EAT HER ALIVE!!!!!

Unfortunately Lori is not consumed and my heart is not yet whole.  Lori kills one zombie and then just stands there without even looking around at all.  She is immediately attacked again from behind.  It’s truly astounding to me how these people who’ve been living in a zombie apocalypse for months can completely neglect their surroundings.

hahahaha. Shane RUNS into the dining room. All of the emotional baggage and anger he carries with him clearly makes Shane very hungry.  Shane gets to sit at the head of the table…hopefully Rick doesn’t come back to argue with him about who gets that spot.

Once again, how in God’s good name could Lori leave the farm without telling anyone? How irresponsible can she be?  apparently the answer is: very irresponsible.  Hopefully undead Otis comes back and puts Lori in the barn and they reveal at the end of the season that LORI WAS IN THE BARN THE WHOLE TIME and Rick shoots her dead.

Rick is really regretting killing Dom DeLuise. The Strangers apparently were NOT in town to catch a movie and eat a “Gotta Have it!” sized cup of ice-cream. They start firing at Rick, Hershel and Glenn once they hear about the fate of their friends. Rick lays down some covering fire and shouts at Hershel and Glenn to “get out of here”  Apparently Glenn and Hershel must have heard Rick tell them to, “frantically run to the next room and dive into a pile of junk” because that’s exactly what they do.

Sweet camera shot of a shotgun being tossed across the floor. More of that please, Walking Dead!

Boondock tells Sophia’s mom and her buzz cut that Lori is a “dumb bitch” He is an amazing wordsmith. Now the entire farm knows Lori left.

Clyde/Dave/Rick Jr. demands to know where his mother went.  Kid, little problem here, no one can tell you where she is because NO ONE KNOWS. Your mom’s location isn’t some secret people are keeping from you. Demanding information that doesn’t exist is senseless. Then again,  Dale IS a specialist at correctly assuming extremely important information so he could probably use his amazing powers of assumption to determine she crashed her car while looking at a map.

Now, this next surprise might blow your hat right off your head… Shane does not take the news that Lori is missing with dignity and grace.  He goes INSHANE.  So INSHANE that he decides not to take a truck this time.  Character progression!!!!  In this particular scenario Shane prefers the versatility of a crossover vehicle. He drives out into the night…now, get ready for this rib tickler, he drives out to look for her BY HIMSELF.  Have we learned nothing people?

Rick has a different accent when he yells. I worded that very specifically.  Andrew Lincoln is not messing up. It’s part of Rick’s layered character.

I blinked and all of a sudden Glenn is walking slowly through a creepy room behind the bar.  Glenn sees a shadow and then shotgun blasts a window. This minor victory for Glen convinces him that he’s safe. Really?  He shouts, “i’m alright!” to Rick.  I hope so, Glenn.  I hope you are confident that the window is no longer a threat. But don’t get too comfortable Glenn, there are plenty of other harmless, inanimate objects about!

Shane is driving down the road like a maniac.  Lori left the car apparently.  I’m sure she’s off Sophia-ing herself in the woods. #fingerscrossed.

Commercial break: Watching Walking Dead live and having to listen to Chris Hardwicke blather on about “Talking Dead” is the best commercial for DVR ever created.

Glenn decides to sneak out of the bar. Glenn approaches stealth much like he approaches dating: very awkwardly and ineffectively.

From 50 yards out Hershel gut shots one of attacking strangers.  Hershel is now officially the most incredible character on Walking Dead.  Strong morales, loving family man, skilled doctor and now we find out he’s a crack shot.   I’m certain in season 3 we’ll learn that Hershel is the most skilled lover in the county and a renowned home brewer.

I am Hersheles, God of ZombieLand!

The zombies are closing in so the Strangers decide to high tail it out of town.  A stranger shooting from the roof tries to get down from the roof by…once again, hold on to your hat….JUMPING OFF THE TOP OF A BUILDING.  We know that the disease causing zombification is contagious but they might also want see if there was also a massive outbreak of “the stupids”. It’s too bad that scientist melted that sweet research laboratory.

The stranger Hershel shot becomes zombie bait.  They bite his nose off his face.  The actor being eaten should get an award for screaming. Truly inspirational work.

"i've got your nose!"

Believe it or not, the decision to jump off the roof of a building ended poorly.  If you think having a piece of wrought iron fence driven through your leg is bad, can you even fathom having that happen and then having a sweaty Hershel walk up to you and take his shirt off? *shudders*

The stranger’s leg is impaled on the fence so the Three Amigos decide they need to amputate his leg because it would be too damaging to just pull the fence out of the leg.  I have no clue how amputating his leg with a pocket knife is less traumatic.  Then again, i’m not a veterinarian like Hershel. Although I think it’s safe to say that Hershel never saw 127 Hours starring James Franco.

Glenn's favorite movie

It is worth nothing that cutting the leg off was Glenn’s idea so that’s probably sufficient evidence to conclude that it’s a terrible idea.

I’ve never seen Hershel as pumped about anything as he is about amputating this guys leg during a zombie onslaught.  Let’s do this team! On 3! 1, 2, 3, BREAK!

Despite their gun training on the farm, Glenn decides to fire his shotgun at zombies that are over 100 yards away.  He elects not to shoot a zombie with a tie. Stay classy, Glenn!

Completely out of time and my tolerance for ridiculous behavior, Rick does exactly what they concluded was a terrible idea and rips the fence right out of the stranger’s leg.  It didn’t look fun but I certainly would have opted for that over a pocket knife amputation from a sweaty Hershel.

Shane finds Lori on the road.  He assesses her health by shining a flashlight in her eyes.  That is the extent of his physical exam. He concludes that she is okay.  Let’s just say when it comes to doctoring Shane is no Hershel, same goes for morality, family and lovemaking (coming season 3!)

Lori demands they press on toward town despite still not having a good reason to look for Rick.  Shane lies straight to her face to get her back to the farm. The things Shane does for misguided love!

Sophia’s mom and her buzz cut get ridiculed by Boondock.  I honestly feel like I missed something here.  Why/when did Boondock become such an asshole? Was there a major plot revelation I slept through?

Due to his boundless love for her utter carelessness, Shane OUTS Lori’s pregnancy to everyone at the farm.

We get a quick shot of the ailing composer, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart laying in bed in the farmhouse. It’s clearly just to remind us that she exists and is sick. Salieri is likely scheming in the nearby barn.

Master of All Zombies

I want to take a quick moment to note something that’s bothered me for quite some time: Rick’s kid looks like an absolute idiot with the sheriff’s hat on.

he looks like he was dressed by zombies

Clyde/Ben/Rick Jr. asks his mom if the baby is a boy or a girl?  Hey idiot, how is your mom supposed to know that? Do you think Hershel has ultrasound in the barn? …wait a sec, he IS Hersheles, God of Zombieland so he probably DOES have one.

Hershel prefers the GE LOGIQ 9 Ultrasound Machine

Clyde/Ben/Rick Jr. asks if the baby is a girl if they can name her Sophia.  No one seems to give a damn.  There’s a fighting chance everyone already forgot about Sophia because the most memorable thing she did in her whole life was become a zombie.

The “Assumption of the Century” (Dale assuming that Shane killed Otis) continues spreading around the farm.  Dale, you sneaky ol’ bastard.

Shane tells Lori he loves her and he loves Carl. I assume he is referring to Clyde/Steve/Rick Jr. I don’t know who Carl is.  Shane neglects to mention that he also loves trucks.  But we know he’s thinking it.

Shane’s delusional confession to Lori SCYTHE-KILLS my attention span.

Commercial break: the Mass Effect 3 trailer is better than this episode of Walking Dead. AMC plays the same Xfinity ad twice in a row.  Apparently having the actual show be extremely repetitive wasn’t enough for AMC.

The most ironic advice ever given on a television program is dispensed by Andrea. Andrea, the woman most famous for trying to commit suicide because she felt she wasn’t strong enough to live anymore tells Glenn’s girlfriend, “you just need to be strong for her.”   I approach my TV and try to strangle Andrea through the plasma.

Maggie tells a really boring story about something farm-y.  I literally could not pay attention and have no idea what it is about.

Dale keeps spreading “the Assumption of the Century.” He’s working people one at a time.  Plant the seeds of doubt Dale!

OKAY, i want to know exactly how far away the town is from the farm.  I want a Google Map. It is BROAD DAYLIGHT when Rick, Hershel, Glenn and the Stranger get back to the farm.  Rick is driving the truck like a bat out of hell. So is the closest town to Hershel’s farm, the town where Hershel goes to his favorite bar to have a whisky EIGHT GOD-DAMN HOURS AWAY?

We find out that the Stranger’s name is Randall.  They don’t verbalize it but it’s clear that his rooftop leap proved to everyone that he’s dumb enough to be part of the group.  Welcome to Team Moron, Randall.

Hershel’s throwing lightning bolts around. He tells Shane to shut his mouth. Shane obliges but then rubs his head a lot in frustration.

Glenn starts moping a lot to his farm girlfriend. It’s sad because Glenn is realizing how utterly worthless he is.  Apparently because he panicked when under gunfire he cannot fall in love. It is just TOO risky.  I honestly don’t even understand what Glenn is trying to say. If you asked me to describe Glenn’s thought process i would get an immediate brain bleed.

Who is this mystery man!?

Randall’s leg is going to take 10 days to heal.  We are destined to NEVER leave the farm. I will have grandchildren and Walking Dead Season 52 will be on Hershel’s farm. Oh, wait. Andrea and Shane seem to be starting an insurrection. Hope remains!

Lori takes her top off and tells Rick, “we need to talk about Shane”.  That combination made me feel very uncomfortable and I hope Rick feels the same way.

As I mentioned before, Shane is not a doctor and his INSHANITY has driven him to think Lori and Rick’s baby is actually his. Old Man Lookout’s “Assumption of the Century” is paying out huge dividends inside Lori’s tiny brain. Lori and Rick’s current son is probably in the barn looking for the ultrasound equipment.

hahahahaha, Lori gets the last line of the episode. She whispers into Rick’s ear, “Shane is dangerous and he won’t stop.”

Apparently Shane is now a Terminator.

Click here for a full explanation of Shane’s abilities.

Good work, Dale!

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