I Long for the Simple Days of Piracy

As I get older my disdain for ridiculous “disclaimers” increases.  On Stew Over I previously registered my confusion with a recent Verizon legal disclaimer and now I’m back with something more EXPLOSIVE!

CONTEXT!

Roger, a fellow Stew Over editor, is a history buff.  Wait, that’s not quite right.  He has a Masters in History. That’s a bit more than your average buff.  Basically the man really knows what he’s talking about when it comes to discussing the past. (The future, not so much, his theories on Time Travel are complete rubbish.)

It’s also worth mentioning that Roger has a Masters in MARITIME history, focused on the 18th and 17th centuries.

You know what that really means?

ROGER HAS A MASTERS DEGREE IN PIRATES

coolest degree ever

One of Roger’s siblings gave him a very appropriate and inspired gift to celebrate his graduation: an actual, historical flintlock, black powder pistol:

savvy?

It’s not just for good looks! (that’s only 75%)  The greatest part is once tested and designated safe to use, the above old timey death dealer can be fired at your local gun range.

In Illinois, a “FOID” (Firearm Owners Identification) card is required to fire any weapons, including at a gun range.  The day after I heard that I could fire the actual gun Blackbeard used (what, it’s possible!) my FOID card application was in the mail. The Illinois State Police do NOT believe in the internet.

For the record, I don’t personally advocate the use of firearms for home defense (hence why I had to APPLY for a FOID card.)  However, I DO firmly believe that if you had two flintlock pistols pointed at a home invader your badassedness would scare them right off your property.

Why can’t we be more like the pirates?

Today my FOID card arrived in the mail and everything looks good EXCEPT one thing caught my eye, a disclaimer at the bottom:

CAUTION: This card does not permit bearer to UNLAWFULLY carry or use firearms

WHAT KIND OF DISCLAIMER IS THAT?  Why is this series of stupid words on there?  Why is there a base assumption that a card I paid $10 for will permit me to BREAK THE LAW?

Did I think that getting a FOID card would allow me to drive around in a convertible blasting rockets into the sky?  Did I perhaps confuse a FOID card with a LICENSE TO KILL!?

Caution: this is NOT a FOID card!

I understand these disclaimers are supposed to help the confused people but come on. What’s next?

Will the following disclaimer be on a driver’s license?

CAUTION: This card does not permit driver to do break the law by running down old ladies whilst texting

Will the following disclaimer be on a marriage license?

CAUTION: This card does not permit DISGUSTING INBREEDING

the worst

Will the following disclaimer be on a hunting license?

CAUTION: This card does not permit the UNLAWFUL murder of humans

Sorry Predator and Katniss Everdeen. No humans today!

I long for simpler days without Cover Your Ass legalese and the need to treat every human being like an absolute moron. Of course, the great irony is that it’s the actual morons who don’t even read the disclaimers in the first place.  Morons can render anything completely useless. Always remember that.

I long for the sweet, simple days of piracy.

super sweet

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