Walking Dead on Red Bull: 2-12 “Better Angels”

Red Bulls imbibed: 1

Let’s get this started.  But first, let us fondly remember the happy times of the past:

ROFL!

And a reminder on my current kill list. These are the characters who deserve painful deaths:

      • Lori
      • Carl
      • Andrea
      • Mozart
      • Glenn
      • T-Bone

Let’s do this thing!!!!

High speed car action!

We get some Rick narration via a flashback to Dale’s funeral, “Dale got under my skin because he wasn’t afraid to say what he thought.”  OR Dale sucked and got under everyone’s skin because he was a crusty ignoramus. I wonder if they buried him in his boat hat? If not maybe Carl’s Jr. could wear that hat on top of his dad’s Sheriff’s hat to look like even more of an idiot.

Rick references “that look that [Dale] had.”

The following look?

This is the look of a stroke victim

Anyway, enough Old Man Lookout. Shane is leading the high speed truck cleanup control around the farm.  Apparently it took the death of a main character to make them realize that contrary to their previously beliefs, talking about feelings does NOT protect them from walker attacks.

We get some excellent pitchfork kills! Little CGI-obvious but i’ll take em!

Andrea thinks she’s Donatello and uses the wooden part of a pitchfork like a bo staff to bust zombies in the chin.

Andrea's idol. Second place: people who don't have to do laundry duty

One walker in a field really rubs them the wrong way and they all gang up and STOMP him to death. For a second I thought zombie Macho Man Randy Savage to run in to save this poor zombie. Snap into a Slim Jim made out of Dale!

Now with HUMAN meat!

They finish the zombie with a shovel to the head.  No surprise there. I’ve actually seen that happen in the WWE.

Next week I heard T-Bone is going to try this one out from the top of the barn:

Hersheles is finally letting Team Moron leave their REI Hooverville and move into the farmhouse, but of even more note, T-BONE HAS A LINE!

Unfortunately it looks like we’re back on the “should we free Jumper?” redundancy wagon of redundancy.

Rick tells Shane to “swallow it and move on.” Shane laughs, smiles at Rick and thanks him for being so nice about it.  Oh wait no, that didn’t happen at all. What actually happened is Shane got really angry at Rick.  That makes more sense.

Shane looks extremely constipated. I’m seriously concerned about his gastrologic health.

I forgot my Metamucil. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk.

Hopefully Hershel’s house has multiple toilets. Otherwise the INSHANITY could cause some serious problems next episode. It’s probably fine regardless. I’m going to assume Hersheles is also a master plumber.

Rick tells Hersheles that Shane is turning over a new leaf.  Hershel laughs in his face because it was such a stupid thing to say.

Rick tells Andrea that, “Shane gets torqued up.”  Andrea is a moron, Shane doesn’t get torqued up, anyone can get torqued up. Shane goes completely INSHANE!

Carl’s Jr. confesses to Shane that he’s guilty of Old Man Lookout’s involuntary manslaughter. Shane doesn’t care because, after all, it was just Old Man Lookout.

The crew is collecting wood.  This is Warcraft II. Hopefully they have enough wood to build a Mage Tower.

Hershel's farm via Google Images.

Everyone in Team Moron is loading into the farmhouse.  They’re being told the strict sleep arrangement. Women there. Men there. Asians over there. Glenn makes up that last rule so he can avoid having to sleep with the very attractive and horny Maggie.  I.e. he shuts down the hottest woman on the show when she literally asks him to sleep in her bed.

My reaction to that would be:

Why does Glenn shut her down?  At this point I literally have no idea what he’s thinking.  I hope Hersheles wakes him up in the middle of the night, craps in Glenn’s stupid baseball cap, puts it back on his head, takes his watch back and then tells Glenn that he actually despises immigrants.

T-Bone has TWO more lines.  This is getting to be a bit much isn’t it?  T-Bone, you can’t just not be there my whole life and then walk back in and expect to pick up the pieces just like THAT!!!!

Shane actually might be building a Mage Tower…more likely it’s just a watchtower.  This is the smartest, most useful thing Shane’s done since opening up the zombie barn.

Shane’s actually useful task is interrupted by Lori with a heartfelt conversation about feelings.  The baby may not be Rick’s!  Maybe it’s both Rick and Shane’s and not Lori’s. It’s a Shane Rimes zombie baby!  Boy would that baby have issues.  I have a feeling that Lori just confused the shit out of Shane (not literally, he’s still looking constipated) and I fully expect he will do something INSHANE before the season’s through.

They really seem to care about Dale a LOT more now that he’s dead. He’s the zombie Al Davis. Which is confusing because Al Davis was a real life zombie. Proof:

Old Man Lookout would be a great NFL scout for the late Al Davis

Lori’s speech really got Shane going so he heads off to pick a fight with Rick about absolutely nothing.  Rick basically tells him to swallow it again. Hersheles is probably upstairs on the toilet reading a magazine, eavesdropping and chuckling to himself about the new leaf Shane turned over. Oh, Hersheles!

Now we get some time with Andrea and Glenn..how unfortunate!   Without OML they can’t even start the RV. You’d think in the last 2 years or however long they have been squatting at the farm that they could have got that thing working routinely by now. Thankfully Glenn’s 15 minutes of automotive apprenticeship with Dale is coming in handy. We know that because Glenn knows he needs a flathead screwdriver

Glenn needs NONE OF THESE!

Andrea fondly remember OML while the wind gently blows her hair.  Apparently the wind isn’t reminding her that she absolutely disliked and berated OML for 75% of their screen time together. When she dies, hopefully no later than Season 3, they should put this line on her tombstone:

Andrea is and will always be the worst.

Or Rick can read it as narration, either way works for me.

Glenn is trying to weep but only can get himself to tear up because he doesn’t really care much about OML’s death.  Andrea throws Glenn the RV’s keys to symbolize that Glenn is now in charge of the RV. Whatever, we just established that it’s a barely functioning hunk of junk and he’ll probably break up with the RV in the next episode.

Even moreso, why are they hanging on to barely functioning vehicles and oddly colored Hyundais when they literally can each have any car they want.

STOP! You are driving past the world's biggest, best used car lot!

Less arguing. More car shopping. They are right there! They are 100% off!

A character I’ve never seen before walks by the camera. Actually I think I saw her washing dishes once. Who is she again? Is that Hersheles’ other daughter? How many daughters does he have?  I’m guessing four but honestly I have no idea.

Carl’s Jr. is on lookout duty. Carl’s Jr. is infamous for not staying in the same place for more than five minutes making him the worst lookout choice imaginable. Rick gives Carl’s Jr. a gun.  In most states you can’t give firearms to people with a history of psychological problems but I assume Zombieland negates those laws. Sentimental piano music kicks in to compensate for the emotionless writing. Rick basically tells Carl’s Jr, “I wish I could say something more profound… but the writers couldn’t come up with anything good.”

Shane looks like he’s going to do something crazy with Jumper. Here’s hoping he doesn’t get all rapey a la Jumper’s gang.

T-Bone finds out that Jumper’s gone and gets to say, “OH HELLLLLL NOOOOO!”  I’m under the impression saying that line on camera is a write of passage for all male African-American actors.

Shane and Jumper are in the woods.  Oh no, this could actually end up getting rapey.  Shane tells Jumper he’s going to join his group.  To remind you, that means that Shane has decided to join a GROUP OF RAPISTS.  Not so fast! Based on a sound we hear off screen, Shane either snaps Jumper’s neck OR he stepped on a branch and then whispered to Jumper “be quiet!” Shane then headbutts a tree. I assume he’s going to use that to fake that he was attacked but still, my overall feeling is still, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”

Next episode on the Walking Dead:

LOL. Andrea, the civil rights attorney and source of most of my laugh out loud moments tells everyone that you can slip out of handcuffs “if you have nothing to lose” Ridiculous. Does having nothing to lose gives you the ability to remove bones from your hands? I’m sure most prison wardens wouldn’t want that info info to become popular knowledge.

"Do you enjoy working in the laundry, Andrea?"

Rick is going to lead a search party to find Jumper.  He drafts additional help:

  • Shane – questionable considering he was just “knocked unconscious” and let Jumper go. but okay, i’ll allow it since he’s generally competent.
  • Daryl Boondock – very smart pick. highly skilled and relatively emotionally stable. He’s the whole package.
  • Glenn – seriously?  I’d rather draft one of Hersheles’s sofas. Probably the one he said he’s “old friends with”. FYI, that line made me want to febreeze the bejeesus out of that sofa.

As is Walking Dead tradition, it is SUDDENLY the middle of the night!  This is a great development because night time is when the walkers and the show writer’s do their best work.

Glenn and Boondock are paired off and Rick and Shane are paired off.  I bet Boondock is upset about being saddled with Glenn.  I bet when Glenn played kickball he was the kid who would kick the ball and his shoes would always fly off. I have a strong hunch they’ll be the team that finds Jumper.

Boondock is doing some truly impressive detective/tracking work, e.g. figuring out at night with just a flashlight EXACTLY what happened to Jumper.  Glenn predictably provides no value. Wait, no. He’s providing NEGATIVE value with value-less comments like “This is getting weird”

Apparently Shane bit Jumper and turned him into a walker!  Glenn FREEZES up again mid-zombie attack but eventually is able to compose himself just enough to kill Jumper Walker.  Glenn’s successful killing is definitely going to restore his confidence so he can bed Maggie again.

Glenn is ready to SHAG!

Hopefully he doesn’t think Maggie is on the sofa and surprise-terrifies Hersheles.

Boondock figures out Jumper was killed by a neck snap before becoming a walker. Boondock is a leading professional in the field of autopsy. He must be picking up some of Hersheles’ god abilities.

Then we are treated to the best single shot so far on Walking Dead:

Beautifully tragic

This is it: the final showdown between Rick and Shane.  Is Shane going to kill Rick? No, obviously not because Rick is the main character.  So by process of elimination this looks to be the end of the line for the Shane train.

Rick figures out Shane’s plan to murder Rick.  Shane shouts at Rick, “You don’t know what I can do!  I live every day with massive levels of INSHANEITY and perpetual constipation!”

Amidst all of  the inane screaming, Shane does make one irrefutable point about how Rick has a “weak boy.”   Even though he’s totally INSHANE i think he’s hitting that nail on the head. If anything he’s putting it lightly. I could write an entire paragraph about Rick’s son that would include only two words that aren’t curse words.

Rick stabs Shane in the HEART!

the death of bro-mance

I’m sure Shane finds this stabbing to be both highly symbolic and completely fatal. UH OH.  Rick is catching the INSHANITY NOW.  He is shouting in Shane’s face while he dies, “YOU DID THIS!  NOT ME!”   Apparently INSHANEITY is contagious and leaves the carrier’s body after death.

Rick groans at the moon!!!

Speaking of contagions, what are these weird flashes of zombies eating people? Is Shane is becoming a walker? I wonder if WALKER SHANE will be a bigger fan of the line, “swallow it and move on” Probably!

Just as I am enjoying the new learning that a walker doesn’t need to bite you for you to become one…Carl’s Jr. materializes from the darkness! How can Carl’s Jr. be so good at sneaking and so awful at everything else?

WALKER SHANE rises up!!!!  EAT AT CARL’S JR.  EAT CARL’S JR! EAT HIS BRAINS!  They might be crappy, crazy brains but they’re young and fresh!!  EAT THEM!!!!

Carl’s Jr. one-shots WALKER SHANE.

THERE IS NO GOD.

Even worse, Carl’s Jr.’s one-shot was the shot heard round Zombieland.  I bet the walkers are finally fed up because they heard the gossip that Carl’s Jr. is a weak little creep who gets kicks out of throwing rocks at defenseless walkers.

Thanks to Carl’s Jr, a ridiculous amount of CGI walkers are headed for the farmhouse.  I’m going to go out on a limb and assume no one is on lookout duty or whoever is on duty is comprehensively incompetent. I’d bet a good sum of money that the next episode will start with everyone running toward the farmhouse screaming at the top of their lungs.

Unfortunately Shane wasn’t on my kill list so no updates there. That said, I will certainly miss his crazy antics and mad cap adventures!

I can only hope Angel Shane will find Otis in heaven, take his bow and arrow and shoot him straight in the leg.

NEXT WEEK:

I’m hoping for a Munich-style scene next week where Glenn and Maggie sex it up intercut with the walkers assaulting the farmhouse:

Next week I’m going to pop some popcorn to pair with my Red Bull, and enjoy the BATTLE OF CARL’S DEEP:

Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Literally. SO IT BEGINS!

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