The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle: Round 1

Welcome to the first round of The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle.

Leading up to the season 2 finale we’re going to make all of your favorite Walking Dead characters battle each other to the death! Will Rick be able to kill the mighty Hersheles? Will Old Man Lookout be able to do what Andrea couldn’t do to herself? Will Carl’s Jr. have to close up shop due to Carol’s haircut? These are some of the questions we’ll answer leading up to Sunday’s finale.

There are 32 “characters” in The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle who will fight to the death as follows:

Click the bracket to view the full version!

 

(1) Rick Grimes vs. (16) Carl Grimes

I get down on my knees and pray to Jesus every night that this matchup will actually happen in the show.  This is a face/off between Rick’s overall competence and Carl’s Jr.’s ability to ninja teleport and materialize anywhere he wants at the most inconvenient times.  Also not widely known, Carl’s Jr. actually faked his post-gunshot coma to trick his father into giving him his Sheriff’s hat.

Rick gives up some of his POWER

Carl’s Jr.  is ultimately undone by the fact that he is a full blown moron and unskilled meatbag.  Rick’s experience, intelligence (which might be average in today’s world but makes Rick a card carrying member of Mensa in Zombieland) and Rick’s versatility easily makes up for the loss of his hat’s powers. Carl’s Jr’s fate is sealed by the fact that at this point we can assume that Rick doesn’t really care about his son, evidenced by 20 half ass motivational speeches and Rick constantly ignoring him.

The kill:  Rick drops off Carl’s Jr. on the side of the road.  He gives Carl’s Jr. a variety of weapons, food and specific instructions on how to survive.  Carl gets himself killed within 20 minutes.

Winner: Rick Grimes

(8) Lori Grimes vs. (9) Carol’s Ex-husband (Ed)

Do you even remember Ed?  He’s the abusive piece of shit who spent two episodes harassing and scaring the bejeesus out of his wife Carol and daughter Sophia.  Carol killed him before he even became a walker.  If Carol could defeat Ed, he has no chance against Lori.  Why? Because Lori is any husband’s worst fear.  She doesn’t do any real work but thinks she’s essential and she complains CONSTANTLY. If you remember, her first line in the entire series is her complaining to Shane, her surrogate husband. Beyond complaining she also changes her feelings on major issues based on which way the wind is blowing. Let’s face it, she basically killed Shane with her words.  If she can conquer the INSHANEITY, poor Ed, victim of Carol, doesn’t have a chance.

The Kill:  Lori goes into Ed’s tent and tells him that they’re married now and gives him a list of things he’s doing wrong. Ed takes his own life.

Winner: Lori Grimes

(5) T-Bone (T-Dog) vs. (12) Merle’s Disembodied Hand

T-Bone has no reason to exist (and he doesn’t in the Walking Dead comic.) In the second half of season 2,we’ve only seen him carry boxes and give generic one liners.  On the other side of the spectrum, Merle Dixon’s Hand’s ONLY reason to exist is to destroy T-Bone.  Without T-Bone and his butter fingers, Merle’s Disembodied Hand wouldn’t exist and be in such pain and suffering.  I was thinking this could end up being a tie but then I remembered that T-Bone literally almost killed himself on a stationary parked car.

The kill:  Merle’s Disembodied Hand plants an Amazon Kindle on T-Bone while he’s sleeping.  The next day, T-Bone goes around the farm trying to find out who gave it to him but everyone keeps cutting him off before he can say a line.  Finally giving up, T-Bone takes a bath in the farmhouse (which I’m assuming he’s doing ANYTIME he’s of camera.)  T-Bone is electrocuted.  No one notices he’s dead for six days.

Winner: Merle’s Disembodied Hand

(4) Andrea vs. (13) Glenn

THE BATTLE OF THE SAD SACKS!  Glenn is dating the hottest woman on the farm and Andrea is blessed to be ALLOWED on the farm despite her completely neglecting her duties and casting disparagements on “laundry duty.” You’d think those two would be feeling pretty good right about now, right?  WRONG!   Their mutual ability to confuse everyone by looking angry, sad and mentally ill at the same time is ultimately their strongest attack.   I can’t see this battle going down anyway besides a staring competition.

The kill: Andrea and Glenn stare at each other for  eight hours straight.  As he’s prone to, Glenn suddenly starts crying for no reason and then Andrea flip-flops her stance on suicide (again) and kills herself with the RV’s radiator hose.

Winner: Glenn

(6) Carol vs. (11) Dr. Ed

Dr Edwin was a brilliant scientist who was eventually broken by the zombie outbreak.  On the other side of the intelligence spectrum, Carol was married to her abusive husband for at least 12 years. The best thing Carol has going for her is her tremendous haircut. Oh wait, what was that?  It looks like Carol, for the sake of the Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle has been separated from her haircut.  It looks like she’ll have to rely on her faith. Fail.

The kill: Dr Edwin does what he does best: he lights the air on fire.  Carol’s head contains plenty of air so it explodes and she dies instantly.

Winner: Dr. Ed

(3) Old Man Lookout (Dale) vs. (14) Morales

Last we saw Morales, he was high tailing it away from OML’s RV with his family in tow.  Morales was a smart man and he clearly recognized OML’s special brand of crusty dominance.  Usually I’d be worried that OML’s infamous lookout inabilities would be a disadvantage but Morales had a tendency to be boisterous, happy and loving and OML is always on the lookout to eliminate those things from the script.

The kill: Morales talks to Andrea, OML gets jealous and OML backs his RV over Morales and his entire family.  Then he lectures Andrea about the importance of family and TRUST.

Winner: Old Man Lookout

(7) Andrea’s Hot Sister vs. (10) Jim

Andrea’s hot sister was played by one of the best actresses on the show.  Her expert angling skills also made her one of the only members of the group with a skill that generates food. Jim was one of the best characters to be bit by a walker and die leaning against a tree.

The kill: On the show Jim had a certain level of clairvoyance, such as when he dug a bunch of graves for people before they were killed, Jim uses that clairvoyance to look into the future.  He soon discovers that Andrea’s Hot Sister is going to die and sad sack Andrea is going to live through Season 2.  Absolutely flabbergasted by the show’s writers he digs his own grave and buries himself alive.

Winner: Andrea’s Hot Sister

(2) Shane vs. (15) Morgan & Duane

Shane is a completely INSHANE maniac who kills walkers and humans alike sans remorse. Morgan has sniper skills that put OML’s to shame. Morgan’s ability to make the hard calls is questionable as he can’t kill his own zombie wife to put her out of her misery. Duane is a non-factor since he can’t even tell the difference between walkers and humans.

The kill: Ever in search of a family to steal, Shane kills Morgan on the hope he can start a new family with Duane and Morgan’s zombie wife.

Winner: Shane

(1) Hersheles (Hershel) vs. (16) Sophia

This is a joke.  Sophia can’t even follow simple directions. Hersheles, God of Zombieland, GIVES directions because he’s the master of all things living and undead.

The kill: Hersheles has Otis lock Sophia in a barn filled with zombies. oh wait…

Winner: Hersheles (Hershel)

(8) Patricia vs. (9) Zombie Otis

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to battle your zombie spouse?  I bet that’s something Patricia thought about while she did the only thing she’s ever done: wash plates and silverware. Patricia is legally braindead and Zombie Otis is actually dead. It’s the perfect face/off.

The kill: Zombie Otis shambles back to the farmhouse.  Patricia and Otis live together in harmony for two weeks, like nothing even happened. Then one night Zombie Otis attacks her when she’s too aggressive during sex.

Winner: Zombie Otis

(5) Well Zombie vs. (12) Jumper (Randall)

Jumper got his nickname from being told to jump off of a building and then ACTUALLY DOING IT.

The kill:  Based on that level of jumping logic I have no doubt that he would jump directly into a zombie infested well.

Winner: Well Zombie

(4) Maggie vs. (13) Hersheles’ couch

Maggie grew up seeing Hersheles’ whiskey soaked bones asleep on this couch.  He refers to the couch as “his old friend”  which makes me worried about what Hersheles DOES to the couch. *shudder* Glenn is also sleeping near Hersheles’s “old friend” and for reasons only God knows, Glenn is currently repulsed by Maggie.  This creates a very inhospitable environment for Maggie.

The kill: Maggie lays down on Hersheles’ couch.  She gets 10 different STDs and dies seconds BEFORE Glenn is finally about to tell her he loves her.

Winner: Hersheles’ couch

(6) Carol’s Haircut vs. (11) Dave & Dom DeLuise (Tony)

Dave & Dom DeLuise were quickly dispatched by Rick in Hershel’s favorite whisky bar (his night’s first conquest before giving his couch aforementioned sloppy seconds.)  If Rick can pistol kill both Dave and Dom in under five seconds they do not have a PRAYER when faced with the modern day Medusa that is Carol’s haircut.

The kill: Dave and Dom DeLuise’s group is established as being overly aggressive toward women but one glance at Carol’s haircut is so overpowering that it re-writes their genetic code and makes them attracted to men.  They fall in love with each other and are so enamored that they are overwhelmed by walkers while eating breakfast in bed.

Winner: Carol’s Haircut

(3) Boondock (Daryl) vs. (14) Mozart (Beth)

Since we met Hersheles’ daughter, the famous composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,  she has been bedridden.  In that time, Boondock has killed dozens of zombies, been seriously wounded, completely recovered from his injuries and then killed a dozen more zombies. Boondock is a force of nature.  Also, despite being an absolute catch for the single ladies on the farm he seems amazingly immune to their charms e.g. Maggie raping you in a pharmacy.

At the end of the day, Mozart even failed to kill herself so what hope does she have at killing someone else?

The kill: Daryl rides his motorcycle up the front steps of Hershel’s farmhouse and then wheelies across Mozart’s bed repeatedly. Hersheles runs in to see his daughter’s corpse but then gets distracted by his couch and lays down for a quick nap on his “old friend”

Winner: Boondock (Daryl)

(7) Hats / Caps vs. (10) Frank Darabont

After Frank Darabont left the Walking Dead, the prevalence of mandatory headware increased 10 fold.  In the second half of season 2 EVERYONE who owns a hat wears it ALL THE TIME.  OML’s goofy bucket hat? Carl’s Jr’s sheriff hat?  Andrea’s straw hat?  Glenn’s baseball cap? These are the real stars of the Walking Dead. I’m expecting in Season 3 Rick will start wearing a bowler:

Top of the morning to you, Glenn!

The kill: The Walking Dead producers spend all of the remaining Season 2 budget on hats and caps. An enraged Frank Darabont quits to start a new show starring the actor who played Shane.  The new show mortally wounds Frank Darabont’s career.

Winner: Hats / Caps

(2) Zombie Shane vs. (15) Lori’s driving

Zombie Shane should be an incredibly powerful character combining Shane’s anger and resentment with the durability of a walker.  I’d take Zombie Shane over nearly anyone in the Character Battle.  Unfortunately there’s nothing more dangerous for a solitary random zombie than Lori Grimes behind the wheel of a car.

The kill: Lori decides she is going to leave the farm and risk her life to do something unnecessary without even telling anyone she’s leaving. It’s nighttime but Lori realizes that she forgot her sunglasses.  Despite not needing them she starts looking for them in the glovebox while driving and crashes her car into a tree.  Zombie Shane shambles up to the car.  Lori sees him and in her disoriented state is unable to tell the difference between Zombie Shane and the non-zombie acting of Jon Bernthal and lets him into the passenger seat.  The car is damaged bu she’s able to drive away with Zombie Shane. Then Lori realizes she STILL hadn’t found her sunglasses and looks for them above her visor.  She crashes the car into the side of a mountain and Zombie Shane flies through the windshield and off the side of a cliff.

Winner: Lori’s driving

Come back tomorrow to see the results of The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle: Round 2!

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