The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle: Round 2

Welcome to the second round of The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle.

The first round had it all: twists, turns, upsets and Carol’s Haircut.

Current standings heading into Round 2:

Click the bracket to view the full version!

Let’s get it on!

(1) Rick Grimes vs. (8) Lori Grimes

Fresh off killing Carl’s Jr, Rick finally faces off against the origin of all of his problems: Lori. Let’s face it, Lori has been Rick’s biggest obstacle on the show thus far. When Rick tells her to talk to Carl’s Jr she does an even crappier job than he does, which is really saying something.  Even more egrigious, she gives Rick conflicting information, changes her opinions constantly and confuses him into making dumb decisions.  And the worst of all, she LIES to him constantly, including the fib megadose she administers to him when she tells him he’s definitely her unborn child’s father.

The kill: Lori drops a massive guilt trip on Rick for killing Carl’s Jr.  Little did Lori know that when Rick first married Lori he had a feeling she would eventually turn into a complete bitch and he made a pact with himself that if Lori guilt trips him 10 times he has to execute her.  The Carl’s Jr. death guilt trip is #10. Without Carl’s Jr around to materialize from the ether and change Rick’s mind there’s no one to stop the execution.

Winner: Rick Grimes


(13) Glenn vs. (12) Merle’s Disembodied Hand

Much like its original owner, Merle’s Disembodied Hand is a massive racist. It’s definitely going to bring the hate to its showdown with “Hershel’s favorite immigrant”.

The kill:  Merle’s disembodied hand tries to embarrass Glenn by taking off Glenn’s baseball cap.  Glenn absolutely loses it and beats Merle’s hand to death with Hershel’s “you can sexual intercourse my daughter” watch.  Then when Maggie is in ear shot, Glenn tells Merle’s dead, disembodied hand that he loves it.

Winner: Glenn

(3) Old Man Lookout (Dale) vs. (11) Dr. Ed

Last round Dr. Ed used up his only attack, “lighting the air on fire” to defeat Carol so he’s in bad shape to battle the crusty sensation known to the world as Old Man Lookout.  Dr. Ed also completely failed to figure out how the zombification process even works so he’s clearly a crap scientist so don’t expect any help from that skillset.  After killing Morales’ and his entire family with his RV we know that OML’s mobile base is also in full operating condition for the first time EVER.

The kill: Dr. Ed makes a minor mistake that really gets OML worked up for no good reason.  OML has an extremely judgmental heart to heart with Dr. Ed in his RV conflict resolution clinic.  Then OML leaves the RV and accidentally locks Dr. Ed inside where he eventually starves to death after exhausting OML’s nearly bottomless supply of Equal and coffee creamer.

Winner: Old Man Lookout

(2) Shane  vs. (7) Andrea’s Hot Sister

This is a STEAMY one.  Andrea’s Hot Sister’s hotness kept her alive through Round 1 but can it compete with Shane’s hot-headedness?  Shane’s odd, on-and-off relationship/partnership with Andrea (remember that 5 seconds where they were actually debating splitting off from the group?) could give him the inside knowledge he needs to get the drop on her.  Since he slept with Andrea, Shane also made it clear that he doesn’t care about good looks at all so Andrea’s Hot Sister isn’t going to be able to entrance him.

The kill: Shane takes Andrea’s Hot Sister fishing.  He has sex with her in the boat. Then he tells her that he also had sex with Andrea. He tells her that neither of them mean anything to him because he’s in love with Lori and Carl’s Jr. and is going to have a family with them.  Andrea’s Hot Sister laughs herself to death.

Winner: Shane

(1) Hersheles (Hershel) vs. (9) Zombie Otis

As the former official “wrangler” of loose farm zombies, even as a walker Otis brings a lot of skills to the table. He also had a nutritious breakfast and has the energy he needs for a full day of light shambling thanks to consuming his wife in Round 1.  But none of that will ultimately matter because he’s going to shamble right into the fists of almighty Hersheles.

The kill: Zombie Otis tries to wrangle Hersheles.  No one wrangles Hersheles.

Winner: Hersheles (Hershel)

(5) Well Zombie vs. (13) Hersheles’ couch

Hersheles’ couch already advanced further than the experts predicted by giving Maggie a few fatal STDs.  Well Zombie did beat Randall but he basically did himself in.  The biggest concern I have with Well Zombie is due to having such a lengthy soak she is very mushy and lacks even the semi-hard casing of a regular walker.

The kill:  The only real question is whether Hersheles’ well is big enough to accomodate a free falling couch?  I called some scientists and the answer is YES.

Winner: Hersheles’ couch

(6) Carol’s Haircut vs. (3) Boondock (Daryl)

Federer vs. Nadal, Ali vs. Frazier, Carol’s Haircut vs. Boondock.  This is a match-up of the ages. In a post-Sophia world, we’ve seen Boondock verbally spar with Carol’s Haircut multiple times. In fact, legend has it that Boondock’s cutting insults literally trims Carol’s hair, keeping it clean, tight and off putting at all times.

The kill: Carol’s haircut once again uses its power to change straight men’s sexual orientation.  Unfortunately Boondock’s remarkably asexual presence is not affected by Carol’s hair’s follecular god powers.  He ties Carol’s hair to Hersheles’ favorite tree, Shane’s favorite truck, Dale’s favorite RV conflict resolution center and the back of his chopper and quarters her hair:

For the good of all mankind, Boondock takes the four pieces, goes on a motorcycle world tour and buries the four pieces on four different continents.

Winner: Boondock (Daryl)

(7) Hats / Caps vs. (15) Lori’s driving

Hat / Caps could be a real sleeper pick this season.  After easily defeating the show’s creator they now have to face the DMV’s worst nightmare.  Lori has already crashed her car twice this tournament so her terrible driving is looking as strong as ever..

The kill: After losing yet another argument to Andrea and her straw hat, Lori realizes the incredible power of good headwear.  She waits until the middle of the night, just to add unnecessary danger, and drives off (as usual, without telling anyone) to find the closest haberdashery.

She forgets to look at a map first and this happens:

Winner: Hats / Caps

Come back tomorrow to see the results of The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle: Round 3!

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