The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle: Round 3

Welcome to the third round of The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle.

In the second round we saw a terrible showing for the undead and a great round for inanimate objects.

Current standings heading into Round 3:

Click the bracket to view the full version!


Let’s get it on!

(1) Rick Grimes vs. (13) Glenn 

Frankly, I’m shocked and appalled that Glenn even made it to Round 3.  I literally had a nightmare last night about it. I don’t know if it’s because we still literally have almost no idea who Glenn is or if its Steven Yeun’s amazing unacting abilities.  To recap, here’s what I know about Glenn:

  • he is Asian
  • he loves headwear
  • he doesn’t love Maggie
  • he often utters sentences that are so illogical they could break an AI
  • his character now is completely different from when we met him in Atlanta.  What happened to the Glenn that would go on dangerous scavenging missions? Has his love of headwear made him soft?
  • his parents are immigrants
  • he is Asian

Nearly two complete seasons and that’s all we know. What a terrible character.

Rick just murdered his entire family, so akin to Rick’s accent there’s no telling what we’ll see next.

Rick and Glenn do have two traits in common: consistently terrible decision making.  But every once in a while Rick does make a good decision.  It’s like a flash in the pan these days but it can happen.

The kill: In his constant pursuit of complicating the plot for no reason, Glenn makes love to Lori.  Lori makes love to Glenn because she’s in a loveless marriage and is a god damn no good whore:

More quotes that can be applied to Lori:

After two weeks of whining, stand-offish behavior and sour puss looks, Lori finally decides to tell Rick she banged Glenn.  Rick is like, “SERIOUSLY? COME ON!”  Then Lori is like, “I thought you were dead!” and Rick is like, “I was 50 yards away playing checkers with Hersheles.”  And she is like, “fine, you got me. I’m just a dirty giant whore.” This time Rick does the audience a favor and doesn’t wait for an entire season to kill the guy who banged his wife.

Winner: Rick Grimes

(3) Old Man Lookout (Dale) vs. (2) Shane

This is a showdown that ALMOST happened on the show about eight times so it’s good to see the two most highly opinionated windbags on the show finally battle it out.

Here’s their steamiest confrontation, complete with sexy French sub-titles:

Underneath his aged, crusty exterior, I get the sense that OML has some real old man strength.  He’s the kind of old man you look at and don’t think much of but  when you shake his hand he nearly crushes every bone in your fingers.  He’s also shown some limited but impressive agility in a few tight situations.

Shane is such a cocky hothead there’s no doubt he will underestimate OML’s abilities.

But at the end of the day, OML has one incredible battle advantage. An RV conflict resolution center complete with out of place Caribbean music:

After watching that video I’m unclear as to whether that interview was supposed to be in-character or not.

The kill: OML takes all of the guns AGAIN and hides them inside his Caribbean RV.  He knows there’s nothing more upsetting to Shane than not having immediate access to a wide selection of firearms.  Shane gets in his favorite antique truck and tries to ram the RV’s door open.  Over and over Shane slams into the RV’s side, weakening the door lock.  Meanwhile Dale is in the shower and has his caribbean music up so loud that he doesn’t even notice anything is happening.  Shane eventually is able to get so much rage going that he gets out of his truck and tears the door off of the RV.  By this point, Shane is completely out of control, bouncing around the RV screaming for Dale.  Right as Shane is about to break into the bathroom, Dale finishes his shower and steps out into the hallway.  Still jamming to some sweet steel drum action, OML is surprised to see Shane,  so much so that he accidentally lets his towel slip to the floor…

Shane’s reaction:

As Dale suspected, Shane killed Otis was a Nazi all along.

Winner: Old Man Lookout

(1) Hersheles (Hershel) vs. (13) Hersheles’ couch

I don’t envy the mental jam almighty Hersheles’ must find himself in this week. It’s a terrible thing to have to kill someone you love.   After years of getting liquored up at the bar that is an estimated six hour car trip away, Hersheles would drive home, get his weekly DUI, get dropped off by the cops and then have to sleep on his favorite couch.

Hersheles’ “old friend” already killed his only useful and attractive daughter and killed a well zombie but can it stay comfy when faced with its owner?

The kill: Hersheles gets way too liquored up again.  In his drunken rage and out of his new found habit of performing surgery EVERY episode, he sees a blood spot on the couch and tries to perform surgery on it.  He methodically slices off the covers, removes all of the stuffing and even amputates the couches’ legs.    He wakes up in the morning and realizes what he has done.

Play this sound while looking at the following image:

"I am become Hersheles, the destroyer of furniture."

Hersheles sheds more tears for his couch than he did when his entire family was firing-squaded in front of his face (read: he sheds a single tear.)

Winner: Hersheles (Hershel)

(3) Boondock (Daryl) vs. (7) Hats / Caps

Boondock is the rare type of hick who doesn’t like wearing hats.  His hair is always filthy:



Bathing every once in a while seems like the obvious and easily available option.  Remember when Shane took a one hour post-murder steam bath?  But in lieu of having to wash himself, wearing a cap WOULD be a smart idea for Daryl.  Thing is he hates hats / caps.  Do you know why?

Because Daryl Dixon was born free:

So Daryl has a lot of anti-hat emotions that should help motivate him this round.  That said, he also just got back from a grueling world trip to dispose of Carol’s hair.

The kill: Daryl collects everyone’s hats and caps. He tells them he’s going to go wash them all. Lori is suspicious because she is in charge of laundry duty and it isn’t Daryl’s turn. IT’S ANDREA’S GOD DAMMIT!  She doesn’t say anything because she’s a no good whore.  Daryl lines up all of the hats on the fence posts and prepares to crossbolt them into oblivion.  He places Carl’s Jr’s hat, then Dale’s boat cap, then Andrea’s straw hat, then Glenn’s baseball cap and then he realizes he has a hat he’s never seen before.  He stares at it for a second in confusion.  “Who the fucks hat is this?” he thinks to himself in his usual overly vulgar way.  He turns the hat OH NO, IT’S CAROL’S HAT!  And there’s a piece of CAROL’S HAIR!!! DARYL IS IN SHOCK! HE CANNOT BELIEVE IT! There must have been five pieces of her hair! Carol’s hair jumps into Daryl’s mouth right as he’s about to drop an F-bomb.  Like Carol, Carol’s hair cant stand for cursing because it’s a total religious stereotype. Daryl is choking!  DOWN GOES DARYL!  DOWN GOES DARYL!!!!!!!!!

Winner: Hats / Caps (interference from Carol’s Hair)

Come back tomorrow to see the results of The Walking DeadMATCH Character Battle: Round 4!

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