Greatest Games of 1993: Runners Up

Every game nominated for “Best of 1993” is superior to SimCity 2000.

Instead of going on about how awesome each games is I’ve decided to describe each games’ superiority to the snooze simulator known as SimCity 2000.

X-Wing

In SimCity 2000 you can build futuristic buildings called “arcologies.” An arcology is a building based on a “set of architectural design principles aimed toward the design of enormous habitats (hyperstructures) of extremely high human population density. ”  Are you aware of the greatest arcology ever constructed?  It’s called the muthaf*$#%n’ Death Star. And I’d rather blow that to smitherines in my strapped B-Wing 20 times in a row than have to wait for 20 minutes while a two pixel per second flood slowly destroys a few cruddy power lines. And if the excitement isn’t enough, the events of X-Wing took place “a long time ago” so the game is historical and therefore vastly more educational. Checkmate, Maxis. Checkmate.

Doom

While some kids were “learning” about civics I was learning how to survive a demon invasion.  Who’s more valuable to society now? That’s right: me, the guy who can shut down the entire netherworld with just a chainsaw.

Mortal Kombat II

This is how you do a sequel.  Mortal Kombat II was a vast improvement over its predecessor in nearly every way and arguably brought the notorious fighting series to its apex.  Great new characters, better controls, more variety and even babalities, there was nothing not to like in MKII.  On the much shittier side of the sequel spectrum we have SimCity 2000.  When creating SimCity 2000, Maxis decided to radically alter the course of gaming history by tilting the camera just a little bit.   Forget top-down views and embrace the revolution that is slightly-not top-down gaming.

Super Bomberman

It’s obvious that Maxis should have named SimCity 2000 “Super SimCity” since the stinker has absolutely nothing to do with the year 2000.  That is of course unless Maxis cluelessly thought in seven years the world would have an abundance of satellite microwave plants.  Hudson Soft came to the correct conclusion that naming Super Bomberman “Bomberman 2000” would make them look completely foolish in 2011 and they were able to have that realization while they were making a game about goofy looking men who run around a maze punching bombs at each other.

When they were publishing 80 different SNES games that started with the word “Super”, Nintendo told Hudson Soft that anything “super” is just plain better.  But rumor has it Nintendo didn’t let Maxis use “super” for the SNES port of SimCity 2000 because Nintendo hates Maxis more than they hate hiring voice actors for Zelda.

X-COM

X-COM was so difficult that I was never able to beat the first level and I hate SimCity 2000.

NBA Jam

This arcade classic is known for its over-the-top, exciting yet unrealistic portrayal of NBA basketball.  Superstars like Shawn Kemp, David Robinson and BJ Armstrong (wha?) can effortless jump 90 feet in the air to lay down monster dunks while flames fire out of their pixelated shoes.  You can literally shove people to the ground to steal the ball and perhaps even more surprisingly, if you swing your elbows a lot you will not be called for double dribbling.  But you know something that’s infinitely more ludicrous than NBA Jam?  Playing SimCity 2000 and thinking you’re going to learn anything about city planning.  At best you’ll learn a variety of false information about city planning such as that the only way to prevent crime is to build a police station on EVERY block, building a zoo in the middle of a residential area is a smart idea and that people care when you build a library.

NHL ’94

I don’t enjoy hockey games in any capacity and I don’t like SimCity 2000 at all so I at first look this was a tie but then I remembered what an awful experience the SimCity Urban Renewal Kit was…NHL 94 wins at the buzzer!

Secret of Mana

Forget Final Fantasy, the best RPG games Square has exported to America in the last 20 years are the Mana series.  Secret of Mana combines the beauty and depth of Final Fantasy with the best real time battle components of Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.  And it does it better than both of those games.  So if Secret of Mana is better than Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda what’s another game it is certainly better than?  You guessed it!  SimCity No. 2-thousand.

 

“The Others”

I didn’t find any of the other competitors of particular note except for Syndicate.  As much as I may dislike SimCity 2000 I can assure you thatSyndicate is the worst thing to come out of 1993 and, as usual, it’s all Peter Molyneux’s fault.  If EA decides to reboot the series they better get with the program and name it “Super Syndicate” and then sit back and watch the money pour in like typing “IMACHEAT” while playing SimCity 2000. We know you did it all the time, cheater.

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