Walking Dead on Red Bull: 2-13 “Beside the Dying Fire”

Red Bulls imbibed: 3 (let’s end this season energetically!)

And a reminder on my current kill list. These are the characters who deserve painful deaths:

      • Lori
      • Carl
      • Andrea
      • Mozart
      • Glenn
      • T-Bone

Let’s walk.

We flash back to a big city.  A helicopter flies overhead and the walkers take notice. I’m guessing it’s either the helicopter Rick saw in season 1 OR it’s chasing Chuck Norris:

Ahh, it looks like a montage of a zombie herd. This is like Born to be Wild with Zombies I could really use some Morgan Freeman narration right about now.

Perfect:

http://youtu.be/wv2Af-H7ZnI?t=20s

And they will march just as they have done for days, ever since the walker decided to stay, to live and love in the dumbest place on Earth: Hershel's farm

Also worth noting is this is an educated herd, featuring at least one doctor.  Finally Hersheles has some medical competition!

Ahh, i get it. This is the herd that Carl’s Jr. eventually summoned to fight at Carl’s Deep.  Very cool intro.

Carl's Jr., "a few thousand walkers coming right up!"

Carl and Rick are about to have their bazillionth leisurely stroll-chat but they’re interrupted by the white collar herd!

WTF! Despite having a two hundred yard head start they are suddenly in the midst of the walkers.  That doesn’t make much sense since Carl’s Jr. can teleport.

Lori finally realizes Carl’s Jr. isn’t upstairs in the farmhouse.  Seriously? If you are a parent can you please tell me if losing track of your child is this normal?  She has literally lost track of Carl’s Jr. EVERY episode. Lori, “Carl’s gone! He was upstairs!”  The Grimes parents are lucky that child protection services was likely eaten in the last few months.  Even the basketcase character disaster known as Carol was a better parent. If you remember, it was a GRIMES who got Sophia walkerized.

The zombies are really surrounding the farmhouse now.  Very cool set piece here.

lol. Hersheles gives the default elderly property owner line with, “this is my farm. I’ll die here.”  Owning a farm must be higher level of property ownership emotion than a house in the suburbs.  I don’t remember Rick giving two shits about leaving his home.

Carl’s Jr. and Rick escape to the barn. Rick uses himself as bait to lure them into the barn.  Was that proximity really necessary? He was within arm’s reach of the walkers.

THIS...IS...RICKTOWN!!!!!!

Carl’s Jr. lights the barn on fire and cooks up some flame broiled zombie MonsterBurgers.  That’s some good work going down in the barn!  Clearly Rick and Carl’s Jr. should just fight through their problems vs. talking.

ALRIGHT NOW, what the fuck is this?  I seem to remember everyone having a lengthy discussion about boarding up the house, blocking doors with the cars and keeping food and water in the basement.  The little I know about military history (learned from the Lord of the Rings films) says you should either A) build fortifications and defend B) run away immediately.

Team Moron has selected C): abandon the house and semi-run away by driving around in a variety of vehicles that put you within zombie arm’s reach.  Also you should drive extra slowly and scream a lot.

They would certainly all be dead now, but i was unaware that EVERYONE is a PERFECT MARKSMAN.

I cannot suspend disbelief enough to believe that Glenn, the nitwit who can barely stab a zombie, has 100% accuracy with a shotgun from a moving car driven by Maggie.

For god’s sake, Carol is hitting headshots with pistols from 200 yards.  I have only one explanation for that:

Ed used to make Carol play Doom

Hersheles has perfect accuracy as well. However that is totally believable and expected.

Perfection

Why are they letting that no name red shirt drive Dale’s Caribbean Conflict Resolution RV?

"Boy am I glad I didn't live to see this tactical nightmare....GOD! Another mojito, please!"

No name cruises up to to the barn to rescue Rick and Carl’s Jr.  That’s mighty nice of him considering I’m not 100% positive he ever even met them.

Did no name leave the door open? Maybe he had a different idea and thought he would PICK UP all of the zombies and drive them away from Rick and Carl’s Jr?  Whatever his reasoning it gets him brutally murdered.

On a more emotional note, we are losing a true cast member today:

Requiescat in pace, motorhome

Hersheles appears to be making his last stand.  Thankfully he picked up the shotgun with unlimited ammo.  I now officially have an inter-generational mancrush on Hershel.

Fifteen minutes later, Lori is still uselessly standing on the porch going on about Carl’s Jr.  I found a dead-on clip of what Lori sounds like in this scene:

Otis’s wife goes down in a glorious medley of zombie bites.   WE SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER….UH……OTIS’S WIFE!!”

HEY! This doesn't taste like a real character!

Andrea is Left 4 Dead.  I’m sure she’ll survive though, if nothing else to make it easier for me to make jokes about Season 3.  Thanks Andrea!

For some reason they are all afraid to run over the zombies with their trucks?  Have they ever seen an TV ad for a truck?  I mean, look at what these things can do!!!

You can drop a ton of cement into one of those things!  A fat guy can lay on the windshield! Now get out there and run down some rotting corpses!

Hersheles is still going nuts.  Take this scene and speed it up by 10x and you’ll bear witness to the gunslinging power of Hersheles.

Even Boondock and Young Indiana Jones are not a challenge.

Boondock saves Carol.  He doesn’t seem to be excited (can you blame him?) and as she gets on his motorcyle he says, “I an’t got all day.”  Nice.

Hershel stares down his farm as they drive away.  For the record, the stare is what burned down the barn, not Carl’s Jr’s grease fire.

Everyone has left the house.  They’ve abandoned all of their plans, stocked food and shelter and just drove off. Nice plan shitheads.

Maggie is not paying attention to the road because she’s crying so much.  Glenn tells her he loves her.  He’s probably lying or going to change his mind again but good call Glenn. Best to keep her focused on driving.   Also please stop her from trying to read a map!

Hersheles, Rick and Carl’s Jr. are the first to arrive at the rendezvous spot where they left supplies for Sophia.  Hersheles grabs a leftover Gatorade and pours it all over his shirt in slo-motion.  Carl’s Jr. starts crying.

Carl’s Jr. is mad that his mom isn’t there.  That’s surprising since he usually just abandons her whenever she IS by him. “We need to get mom! It’s mom!”  I’m not seeing a compelling reason for why they need Lori but it must be somewhere.

As a man of god, Hersheles thought that when God spoke of the dead rising he was referring to something a little happier:

Hersheles was hoping for more fire and oil paintings.

T-bone wants to go to the coast.  Despite being a stereotype he wants to use this opportunity to disprove the stereotype that black people can’t swim.

This really made T-Bone Mad! "Black children 3 times more likely to drown" -USA Today study (2008)

Despite T-bone driving in what I’ll assume was the completey wrong direction he arrives SECONDS before everyone else.

Daryl drops an actually funny Asian joke. Nice, Boondock.  It looks like The Walking Dead is aiming to get one intentional laugh out of viewers per season.

The Walking Dead is super cereal.

Tricia is gone. Jimmy is gone.  NONE OF THE PEOPLE ON MY LIST ARE GONE. WTF (why the face) !?

Cut to Andrea.  She is running for it.  Did I miss something?  When did she become such a competent badass?  Did we miss a zombie killing training montage?

Hersheles scolds someone for swearing.  You can take Hersheles out of the farm but you can’t take the farm out of Hersheles.

Maggie wants to go with Glenn to get supplies.  We know what that’s code for:

Like this but with humans

Rick tells everyone, “we’re all infected.” Yeah, i figured that out already Rick. More importantly, HAS CARL’S JR lost his beloved hat?  Forget about the infected part and praise Jesus!

Rick admits to Lori that he killed Shane.  OH MY SHIT!  Why is Lori mad at Rick?  She basically told him to kill Shane about two days ago.  Lori is further confirming she’s a no good, dirty whore.

Now Carol is being a complete biatch.  She tells Boondock that he is Rick’s “henchman”

Carol is confusing Daryl with:

Ed made Carol watch all of the Bond movies on TNT

Andrea is about to get got by a walker when this happens:

It looks like Hersheles might finally have some worthy competition

After nearly getting nagged to death by every woman on the show, Rick admits his Shane-icide to the entire group.  Rick is breaking.  Ironically he is starting to sound a lot like the INSHANEITY!

lol. Rick, “this isn’t a democracy anymore!”  YES.  I hope he’s saying it is now a diarchy ran by Rick and Hersheles!

Welcome to the United States of Grimes, bitches.  Love it.

Season 2 is fading out.  Camera pans out and we see a large CGI prison on the horizon!

Hopefully that’s where the following people will die in Season 3:

  • Lori
  • Carl
  • Andrea
  • Mozart
  • Glenn
  • T-Bone

Let’s quickly look back at the funniest moment of Season 2:

LOLZ!

See you next season!

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