Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-1 “The North Remembers”

As I did for the Walking Dead, I’m going to get my fantasy on and enjoy some Red Bull as I experience the magical, uber-depressing show: GAME OF THRONES!

Note that I have not nor will I ever read the books because they are each ten thousand pages long.  That fact fiercely antagonizes my 10 seconds – 2.5 hour attention span.

Here’s my  kill list for Game of Thrones Season 2:

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)

FYI: I have a kill list for every show, even Raising Hope. In case you’re wondering, it starts with the girl who plays the stupid banjo songs:

A character deader than her own tooth

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Red Bulls imbibed: 1 

Now let’s see what the north really remembers!

On its lonesome, the Game of Thrones intro credit sequence is better than the Walking Dead (not the Walking Dead opening sequence, the entire show the Walking Dead.)

We start with a one-on-one fight scene. This show has done an amazing job with every close quarters fight, including Jamie vs. Ned, Syrio vs. everyone and Bronn vs. Sir Idiot or whatever that stupid rube’s name was.  It appears Princess Joffrey is a big fan of Starz and is filming his own Spartacus gladiator battles at King’s Landing. Clearly he’s furious that Netflix didn’t renew its Starz agreement (and who can blame him?)

"Khal Drogo can eat my ass" -Every Character in Spartacus

The Hound pounds in the face of a faceless knight and sends him tumbling to his stony death.   The court’s body clean up team leaves a bloody gore trail a mile long as they drag away the corpse.

This death does not require my services.

Joffrey then attempts to have his men waterboard a random dude to death with a delicious malbec (the varietal is not specifically referenced but we know it has to be a malbec.)

I saw this EXACT scene happen a few times in college, except the victim was invited to be the fool at a fraternity, not for royalty

Sidebar: Can Princess Joffrey drink?  There should be a law against  him drinking, right? Not because he’s young, because he’s inbred and if you are inbred you should try to live a healthy lifestyle.  If you know anyone who is inbred please ask them.  I’m dying to know.

Tyrion arrives and carries my excitement with him!

"I win awards. What do you do?"

Much to Warwick Davis’ chagrin I’m confident Peter Dinklage is currently the world’s favorite little person.

The fact that there’s a committee of out-of-touch, scheming old people who rule over a kingdom seems oddly familiar and non-fantastical.

Hmmmmmm....

I love how Tyrion is immediately turning King’s Landing inside out whilst pounding wine in every scene.

“Fat Powder” AKA Varys has the most hilarious, overtly “schemy” voice I’ve ever heard.

Varys at his Season 1 schemiest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNl79DNTE-Y

——-

It looks like Winterfell is as drab, sad and boring as ever. Get me out of here immediately.

POV dire wolf cam! Bran is still having demented, ultra-realistic nightmares.  Did his paralysis give him some capacity for clairvoyance?  That would make sense…not physically of course but it would at least give his character a purpose. You can’t have a main character just laying about and riding in custom harnesses all day!

Apparently Hodor is not yet ready to fight Darth Vader

Medical facts in George R.R. Martin’s universe:

  • Paralysis gives you the ability to see the future
  • Castration gives you masterful manipulation powers and a totally wacko voice

Everyone is gossiping about the comet in the sky.  “Did you hear who the comet is going out with? You won’t believe it”  “John told me that the comet is having a crazy party this weekend! his parents are out of town and it’s going to be amazing.  You should come!”

The half-feral servant woman tells Bran, “Comets means one thing: dragons.”   Dammit, I’ve been saying THE SAME THING since 1992!

——

Daenerys is lost in the middle of the desert with her Jorah, her Dothraki roadies and her CGI dragons.  The dragons need to eat something and she needs 200 tubes of chapstick.

Based on the looks of “the Red Waste”, it looks like there’s a 50% chance Daenerys is about to be attacked by Sand people.

No doubt Jorah is aware they move in single file to conceal their numbers.

Insert 10 more shots of the comet.  YES, I KNOW! DRAGONS!!!  I GET IT!

——

Now we are north of the wall with el bastardo!

Apparently a guy who looks like Anthony Hopkins built a incest-friendly “Club Med Hopkins” north of the wall where he can make sweet, disgusting romance to his daughters.  Perhaps if everything ends well (which i’m sure it won’t), Cersei and Jamie will retire here and spend their final days committing the grosses sex act in the world: old people incest.

Come to Club Med Hopkins and share demented family vacations in the freezing cold!

I like the cut of this Anthony Hopkins guy’s jib but not because he bangs his daughters. I can’t emphasize that enough.

For some inexplicable reason Lord Snow does not approve of the incest-friendly Club Med Hopkins and expresses that via a variety of snide comments and steely glances.  Come on Lord Snow, what’s wrong with a guy who loves his wife-daughters?

—–

COMET TRANSITION AGAIN!

Who is this red witch woman?  She appears to be very alluring as she burns a bunch of statues on the beach.  An old priest doesn’t like what she’s doing at all. Perhaps she’s telling everyone to start using contraceptives?

Finally, we meet Stannis Baratheon. He appears to be married to the evil, red sorceress queen witch. Smart move, Stannis. It never hurts to have a magician in your corner.

Truth

Stannis is extremely particular about how his letters are written.  I seriously doubt we’ll be seeing any emoticons or leet speak from Stannis anytime soon.

The old man priest who is anti-contraception tries to poison the red queen witch but she is protected by her magical amulet.  This is surprising to me. I’ve probably worn more than 500 magical amulets in video games and 1 amulet in real life (don’t ask) and none of them did a damn thing.  Therefore this witch’s powers intrigue me and I look forward to more sexy hocus pocus.

Not that type of sexy Hocus Pocus!

—–

Now we are with Rob Stark.  He is having yet another conversation with Jamie Lannister.  They are recapping the plot for everyone.  Apparently Rob has no faith in his men AND no faith in the abilities of the “Previously on Game of Thrones” intro segment.

What a boring, unnecessary conversation that was.  At least we were treated to seeing Rob’s now massive dire wolf.  I’d like to see that animal in battle soon. Strike that. I’d like to see Tyrion ride that dire wolf into battle.  That’s such an awesome idea my head nearly exploded as I typed it.

—–

Speaking of Tyrion, we’re back in King’s Landing.  Tyrion brought along his semi-classy, educate whore-friend despite his father’s instructions to the contrary.

They engage in a bit of pleasant conversation and Peter Dinklage starts marching down his path to a second Golden Globe.

Now we are with Mayor Carcetti (Littlefinger) and Sarah Connor (Cersei).   Littlefinger cracks yet another eunich joke about Lord Varys.  This guy has more eunich jokes than Louis C.K. has jokes about his terrible body.

In a very curious move considering his current position, Littlefinger tries to verbally muscle the Queen and the best he can muster is the line, “Knowledge is power”  Come on Carcetti, I voted for you!  That’s the kind of line I’d expect from a grade school teacher not a wildly successful bordello owner/operator.

That said, Cersei’s response, “Power is power” isn’t going to make any quote books anytime soon.

—–

Lord Greyjoy tells Lord Stark he can muscle up some ships to take the battle to King’s Landing. But can one trust a man whose name sound like he’s an English pornstar? YES. absolutely yes.

Lady Stark does not agree with me and gets very angry and frustrated that her son is considering working with Lord Greyjoy. Lord Stark sends his mother to broker an alliance with Renley Baratheon.  He knows it will likely fail but at least his mother will stop coming into his bedroom without knocking first.

Even though Lady Stark is frustrated, she thinks Rob is doing a wonderful job as lord.

One thing’s for sure, Sean Bean would be proud of him:

World's #1 Dad

—–

Joffrey and Cersei have a very odd, uncomfortable conversation.  Part of Joffrey seems to believe the rumors that he’s actually Jamie’s son (I wonder if it’s the inbred part of him that’s thinking that.)

He asks his mom how many kids Robert Baratheon had with other women “after he got sick of [her]”  Predictably she does not enjoy this comment and bitch slaps him.  As is his current modus operandi, Joffrey immediately threatens to kill her if she slaps him again.  She debates taking away his mobile phone for a week but eventually decides to let this one go.

It’s a good thing Joffrey wasn’t King yet when this happened:

Now a murder montage to close out the episode!  Wait a second…usually I’m as big of a murder montage buff as the next guy…if not more so…but here Cersei organized a good ol’ fashioned BCC (Bastard Clean-up Crew). That means we are forced to watch a montage of soldiers begrudgingly killing a series of Robert Baratheon’s children, including a few infants.
Horrific.

Luckily Robert’s blacksmithing bastard is already traveling with Arya on the King’s Road so he avoids the BCC’s initial sweep, but i have a feeling he’ll be seeing some action soon enough

Next week on Game of Thrones:

Lord Varys on Broadway!

 

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