Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-2 “The Night Lands”

As always, let’s start off with my updated DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones Season 2.  As always, new people who must die are in red:

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Lord Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress

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Red Bulls imbibed: 1 

We start with Arya walking by a creek with what is clearly a plastic sword.

Bow before Needle!

Arya starts talking to the prisoners that are traveling with them via a metal cage.  I don’t have many hard rules in life but one of them is to never talk to people who are in cages.  Based on the end result of their convo, Arya should start following this rule.

The bastard hunters tracked down Gendry and Arya’s caravan!  They’re not particularly assertive and are turned away by a confident drunkard with a bad attitude named Yoren.

"With confidence like that you're never going to get that promotion!"

Yoren even threatens to shave a spider’s ass with his dagger.  *shivers!*  That weird illustration of his sword skills creeps out the bastard hunters and they bomb out with a bunch of half-assed threats..  Once the bastard hunters exit stage left everyone in the camp stares at Gendry like he just farted really loudly.

—–

Tyrion is singing the theme to Hunger Games while touring the castle’s facilities like a girl in a short skirt and a long jacket.

Tyrion is a huge fan of Peeta but HATES Gail.  He also thinks the book is so much better than the movie.

When it comes to seeing the Hunger Games, Tyrion strongly recommends AMC theaters with stadium seating

Lord Varys and Tyrion’s whorey girlfriend have a very weird conversation about “fish pie” … which i’m sure is every conversation that includes the term “fish pie.”  I had a hard time discerning if there was a double meaning to that term or if they were just talking about a pie with fish inside it. Either way: gross.

Tyrion tells Lord Varys he doesn’t like to be threatend.  Then Lord Varys threatens my attention span by dropping some massive nautical analogies on Tyrion’s head, to sum up: ships are going this way and that way in storms and there are captains and oh my god what is he talking about?

We close out our visit to King’s Landing with a council meeting at the castle that’s more of a dysfunctional Lannister and Lackeys family dinner than a logitimate political discussion.

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Friar Tuck AKA the Northern MAN-CHILD laments something very naive (shocker!) about Anthony Hopkin’s Northern incest Club Med resort.  Apparently the fact that Anthony Hopkins has multiple wives is more upsetting to the Northern MAN-CHILD than the fact that they’re his daughters. Oh, MAN-CHILD, your face is so chubby and pleasant I cannot bring myself to hate that there’s no brain behind your cherubic cheeks.

Friar Tuck takes a break from being uselessly adorable and saves one of Anthony Hopkin’s whores daughters from Ghost, Jon Snow’s direwolf.  The daughter effortlessly establishes her idiocy by thinking Friar Tuck is very brave for simply saying, “Ghost, shoo!”

We are told ONCE AGAIN that Anthony Hopkins kills all of the boys his daughters have.  It is clear to me that Anthony Hopkins is more powerful than even Old-Testament Bible God!

Nice try! Nothing will save the first-borns from the wrath of Sir Anthony Hopkins!

 

Someone turned up the heat!  We’re with “Danny” and Ser Jorah for what I’m guessing will be another five seconds re-establishing they’re really thirsty and lost.

Yep, i was right.

In season 3 Jorah will abandon Daenerys, find a time machine and end up courting Lady Mary AKA the worst woman in TV history.

—–

Now we are at sea and we are treated to assaulted with a very graphic sex scene.  Now we have a sex scene montage!

Welcome to Game of Thrones presented by Cinemax.

this position is called the "Peeping Petyr"

Littlefinger AKA Mayor Carcetti is trying to keep everything under control in his whore house.   We learn for the 50th time that whore houses are awful, depressing places and he’s not a very good person.  HBO, thanks for reminding us but…WE’VE GOT IT ALREADY!

——–

Back to Tyrion.  You do not call Peter Dinklage an imp or a dwarf. For god’s sakes, he is an EMMY-AWARD WINNING ACTOR AND VEGETARIAN!

Kiss it

—–

The little fat kid traveling with Arya thinks the key to becoming anything is simply putting on a suit of armor.   You see!?  I KNEW I was right.  For years I’ve been saying they should make pre-schoolers wear full suits of miniature armor.  It would be completely adorable.

Arya reveals her true identity to the last remaining bastard. He’s like, “whatevs”.

"Whatevs"

—–

Lord Greyjoy rolls up into his home port in Greyjoytown or whatever it’s called. No one cares about this scene because he’s a terrible actor and, at present, a worthless character that only exists to volunteer his family for battle.

Lord Greyjoy’s dad is a total weirdo.  After just one scene, I hate all of the Greyjoys, every last one of them.  I hate this scene and I won’t mention it again until the day I die.

———

Now we’re strolling down a very nice beach where Lord Stannis’ main man is trying to make a deal with a pirate.

Apparently the pirate wants Cersei as a reward!  Clearly he has never met Cersei:

Tattoos: Piratical Aphrodisiacs

The pirate makes a odd, probably meaningless distinction between f*cking Cersei against her will and raping her.  Thankfully I’m not knowledgable enough about rape to really understand the nuances of this distinction.

For all pirate fans it’s also worth noting that this pirate is just a scumbag murderer type pirate, not the fun-loving, salty dog type of pirate I generally enjoy e.g. this guy:

——–

Back with Tyrion and Cersei we find out Joffrey gave the order to kill the bastards.  On the positive side, Joffrey actually did something. On the negative side, what he did was soul-crushingly horrible.

Apparently Tyrion killed his mother during birthing.  It seems irrelevant to me, but Cersei seems to care about it so who am I to judge Sarah Connor?

——

The Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress much prefers seducing military leaders to military strategy.

Only Ser Cartman can defeat the Ginger Witch!

She has her way with Stannis Baratheon on a map table.

I give it two weeks before an adult film company announces a Game of Thrones porno. It almost goes without saying, but the title for that parody should be, “Game of Bones” Then if you have a female lead named Winter you are all set:

The porno basically writes itself

————–

Anthony Hopkins is on the prowl up north.

He’s sacrificing his babies to the White Walkers!

"i'll trade you baby humans for baby bears."

"I'LL TAKE TWO!!"

What I’m hoping for next week:

  • actual plot progression for at least one character
  • LESS CHARACTERS (see DEATHWISH list)
  • Bronn running the City Watch.  Likely end result:

Bronn is known to throw the 20-sided dice!

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