Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-3 “What is Dead May Never Die”

As always, let’s start off with my updated DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones Season 2.  As always, new people who must die are in red:

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Theon Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress
      • ALL OF THE GREYJOYS

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Red Bulls imbibed: 1 

Looks like this must be the first episode with Natalie Dormer. If you are unfamiliar with her work, she specializes in playing psycho bitches and was previously seen losing her head in the Tudors.

Bat shit crazy

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We start in the North.

Apparently White Walkers are George RR Martin’s ones who cannot be named.  As evidenced by Jon Snow’s extremely eloquent, “I saw… something” statement to crusty ol’ Mormont.

Northern MAN-CHILD wants to give one of Anthony Hopkin’s incest daughters something his mother gave him.  I’m pretty sure it’s a piece of garbage.

 

"I want you to have this crushed can of Mountain Dew Code Red!"

In a shock to noone, she doesn’t want Northern MAN-CHILD’s mother’s trash but in the end the lovable fatso guilts her into taking it.  That makes him happy but not as happy as this would have:

Located 15 minutes outside King's Landing

Northern MAN-CHILD says, “I’m not giving it away.  I’m giving it to you.”  I think that’s an entirely meaningless distinction

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Now we’re in Snooze City Winterfell.

Bran Stark is hanging out with Maester Luwin who has an endless font of wisdom lodged in the back of his throat.

I am wisdom embodied

Bran is still having nightmares where he is a direwolf and is convinced people can be inside animals.  Sounds like something Northern Anthony Hopkins might be into!

I'm done with my daughters. Now it's your turn to have my babies! AHHHHHHHHH!

Bates teaches Bran a bunch of stuff that’s incorrect e.g. dragons are gone and a few things we’ll probably learn is incorrect later on e.g. giants are dead.

——

Now we’re at Renly’s camp where we see the 80th one-on-one battle of season 2.

Caitlyn Stark rolling up.  She looks as pissy as usual. Hopefully she has to fight a giant or a dragon and hopefully her adversary doesn’t have a weakness for icey looks and/or non-stop complaining.

Renly says he will bring Caitlyn Stark Joffrey’s head.  He has my vote.

A Gay King We Can Believe In!

The duel ends and in an overdramatic reveal we see the victor is actually a woman!  What else were we expecting?  ANTICLIMACTIC.  I was hoping for a man dressed in a suit and tie from the future or a dragon wearing Old Navy.   In any case, the victorious woman, known as Brienne, is about eight feet tall and has the exact same build as Charles Barkley.

"Lady Stark is Turrible!"

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Theon Greyjoy to his sister Yara, “Last time I saw you looked like a fat little boy.”

Well, nothing's changed there.

The Greyjoys are set on defeating the Starks and taking over all of the “forests, fields and halls” in the North.  Seems very broad yet very specific.

And in summary, I HATE THE GREYJOYS.  There’s not one likable one in the lot. That makes them the exact opposite of the Huxtables:

"CHILDREN! I want you to say no to incest, murder and betrayal! Ok, children...are you listening to me CHILDREN!?

———-

King’s Landing!

Only Tyrion can convince a woman to beomce a kitcken wench. Oops! Nevermind, he failed.

Now we’re at an extremely uncomfortable Lannister family dinner.  It’s pretty much a medieval take on one of my favorite Will Ferrell SNL skits:

"I AM IMPORTANT! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!"

——

In one of Game of Thrones‘ more inventive editing sequences we see Tyrion manipulating Pycelle, Littlefinger and Varys to determine which one is the Queen’s spy.  Because the content of each of the three deceptions is so similar it’s edited as if it’s one scene taking place in Tyrion’s quarters. Very neat stylistically and a great way to streamline!

MASTER MANIPULAAAAATOR!

———–

Renly and his BFF/lover are getting after it in the King’s chamber.

Poor Natalie Dormer. She’s played a Queen twice and the first time she had to hangout with creepy Jonathan Rhys-Myers and now she has a King who isn’t attracted to her.  Although it is interesting that she must be so confident in her rockin’ that she disrobes herself dramatically to try to woo him despite already knowing he’s hugely into dudes.

It’s okay though, she’s totally cool with the fact that he’s not attracted to her.  She just wants a cute little bambino!

—-

Back in Pyke!

Lord Greyjoy considers betraying his father by writing a letter to Robb Stark.   I assume he was going to put it in a bottle and throw it in the sea.

Spoiler: Kevin Costner finds it

The Greyjoys and the Ironmen worship “the Drowned God”.  I don’t think any religion has ever sounded cooler.

Nice try Jesus!

—————–

Tyrion’s trickery pays off with him sending old man Pycell of to the “Black Cell.”  Pycell is not African-american and i haven’t seen any overt racism on this show so I’m assuming the Black Cell has nothing to do with segregation.  Whatever it is I’m sure it’s extremely terrifying.

Lord Varys and Tyrion celebrate with wine and riddles.

"Did you hear the riddle about the skeleton that walked into the bar?"

"Go onnnnnnnn...."

—-

Arya is haunted by her father’s execution.  Yoren reveals that his brother was killed in front of him when he was a boy.  What’s the average expected age in Westeros? 6?

The Lannister thugs attack the camp and kill Yoren but not before he can take a handful of Lannister men to the grave with him.

Lesson: everyone in this show that serves as a father figure for Arya will die...including her actual father.

Arya saves Gendry’s life by harnessing the rare power of quick-thinking…which some old codgers say is extinct from the land.

Next week:

Brienne and Lady Greyjoy start a women’s softball team. They are undefeated and win the Westeros World Championships.

"Will you be our coach?" "ummmm......no."

 

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