Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-4 “Garden of Bones”

As always, let’s start off with my DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones Season 2.  No new additions this week!

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Theon Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress


Red Bulls imbibed: 1 

We start off with some gay jokes involving stabbing. Classy.

And now fart jokes! Classier!

Unfortunately all of the tasteful guard humor is ended by a direwolf.

Robb Stark is once again on the attack.  As the battle starts we get a fade to black.

Each time we see this HBO saves hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Yet another victory for Robb Stark.  Apparently the Lanisters are totally inept at both A) not having sex with each other and B) battles.

Robb Stark is falling for a sexy field medic because she has some sass (obviously she’s also hot.)

Some things never change...


Is it me or is the actor who plays Robb Stark becoming a better actor?  This was the first scene I’ve ever enjoyed his performance. #feelingconfused


Back in King’s Landing, Joffrey has done the impossible: he’s made himself even more detestable.

"I make Emperor Palpatine look like Scott Farcas"


By the time Joffrey’s having his guards punch Sansa and tear off her clothing he ‘s basically transforemd into an exaggerated parody of his original character.  At this point I’m waiting for Leslie Nielsen to bust in through the throne room window to punch him out.

"Ahhhhh! The Ginger Witch!"

We don’t get Leslie Nielsen but we do get the next best thing: Tyrion.  He walks in and CRUSHES it in the throne room with only a few choice quips and the very palpable threat of ultra-violence from Bronn.

Tyrion’s dressing down of his nephew had me laughing so hard I started tearing up.  That’s more than I can attribute to the entire season 3 of Eastbound and Down.

I didn't thank you... so you are not welcome.

Bronn theorizes that Joffrey just needs a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to “get some of the poison out”  Note: even Bronn’s metaphors sound threatening.

Tyrion sends Joffrey a few whores to test out Bronn’s theory.  Bronn’s thoery does not work out.  What Joffre ydoes to the whores is…uh… too awful to describe.  This season is really doubling down on prostitute abuse. Soon it will dethrone HBO’s previous leader in the degradation of prostitutes:

"Beating whores is my business. Watch your fucking back!"

Honestly, where does Joffrey learn this demented stuff?  Does King’s Landing have the internet?

"I didn't know Joffrey had an iPad 3G!"


Renly doesn’t like Littlefinger nor Littlefinger’s face

Anti gay marriage?


Even Littlefinger knows about the Gay King.  Honestly, who doesn’t know about Renly’s sexual orientation at this point?  Did Renly and Loras Tyrell get caught up in the moment and march in the Westeros gay pride parade?

Ser Tim and Ser Alex own it on the Baratheon float in the 298 AL Westeros Gay Pride Festivos


We spend our customary 15 seconds with the Dothraki crew.  They are desparate to get to the Garden of Bones.  That sounds promising…but anything would sound promising for the deadest plotline of the season.


Now we’re at Harrenhal, the dreariest place ever imagined, with Arya and Gendry.  Since they are with Lannister men it’s a foregone conclusion that Harrrenhal is a hell-hole torture pit.  I’m guessing there’s some off-screen incest about as well!

We are told the Mountain is torturing and killing one prisoner per day.  Is he played by a new actor?  What happened to that awesome half-beast, half-man from season 1?

"the Mountain does not care for extended contract negotiations."


Littlefinger puts the moves on Lady Stark.  It does not go well.  She probably also dislikes his face.

Anti-women's rights?

Then he gives her a case which contains Ned’s remains. Is it his ashes? His head? We do not get a look and may never know.

Ned's dead, baby. Ned's dead.



Harrenhal torture continues.  Oh my god, they just ripped off 2 Fast 2 Furious!

To be fair, it’s George RR Martin’s favorite movie

"I HEART Paul Walker"


The Baratheon’s have a really boring hilltop summit that accomplishes nothing except confirming they are all whiny bitches.


Finally it looks like we’re getting some decent time with Daenerys and Ser Jorah.  They are pleading to get into Qarth.  Once again, anything sounds better than the Red Wastes. Qarth, oddly pronounced a “Karth”, also sounds a hell of a lot better than the “Garden of Bones”.

D & J and their Dothraki groupies meet the leaders of Qarth, known as “the Thirteen”, outside the city’s gates.  The Thirteen want to play a little “you show me yours I’ll show you mine” with the dragons and Qarth respectively.  Daenerys is like “Gross!” and they have an epic argument.

Long story short: they get into the city.

Well worth the argument



Tywin Lannister arrives and saves Gendry from death by “2 Fast 2 Furious”

"I prefer Tokyo Drift!"

I love that Tywin immediately identifies Arya as a girl. He makes her his cup bearer. PROMOTION!!!!   This should prove both alternately advantageous and disastrous for Arya.  Hopefully he acts as a father figure for her which we all know is basically signing your own death certificate.


King’s Landing!

Tyrion blackmails his cousin Lancel into becoming his spy by revealing that he knows about Lancel’s philandering with Cersei.  Is cousin sex incest in Game of Thrones?  You never know where they draw the incest line in these medieval settings!

Gone from enemy to spy in 60 Seconds!


Lord Stannis the Boring requests Davos smuggle the Ginger Witch to shore for a top secret (and probably sexy) mission.

Once again the Ginger Witch continues to dispense annoying vagaries about the light and the dark and how shadows are the children of the light and oh my god enough just do something already….

And boy does she…

I added the shapes. They were NOT part of the Dementor birthing process.


Is magic still dead Maester Luwin? HUH? HUH?

You Ser are a LIAR!


Next week: the Ginger Witch fires out twins and attacks Hogwarts

Gay King Renly better brush up on his Patronus charms! I assume his "spirit guardian" will be a Bear!


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