Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-5 “The Ghost of Harrenhal”

As always, let’s start off with my DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones Season 2.  New additions in red.

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Theon Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress
      • Lord Stan the Man Bore-atheon

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Red Bulls imbibed: 2

We start with the Bore-atheans (get it!?)  Lady Stark is trying to convince his Royal Gayness that Robb has no interest in the iron throne.  She succeeds.

WNBA, AKA Brienne, is in the King’s tent helping  him remove his armor.  Is that really what WNBA be responsible for?  Perhaps she’s a handmaiden-warrior hybrid. THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!

Uh oh, it’s getting windy in the tent.  That’s never a good sign.

King Renly gets receives a mortal knife in his back courtesy of the Ginger Witch’s shadowy, presumably homophobic shadow assassin.

"Shadow people do not support the radical homosexual agenda!"

I know I’ve seen this Shadow assassin before, wait a sec…Dragon Warrior!

Lady Stark should have cast HURTMORE

What’s the Ginger Witch going to cast next?

A Lannister always pays his debts. Witches turn said debts into goofy gold monsters.

WNBA is none too pleased with King Renly’s passing.  She loses her cool and flagrant fouls (read: murders) a few guards (read:…actual guards)

"YOU CALL THAT A FOUL!? COME ON, REF!"

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In two consecutive scenes we learn from Catelyn Stark, Littlefinger and Lady Tyrell that you can’t avenge someone from the grave.

Simultaneously, we are introduced to the following new character:

To be fair though, I’m sure that generalization is not technically accurate, right Ginger Witch?

"That is correct. Also, do you have any organic food? I'm jonesing for some seitan. Is there a Whole Foods nearby?"

A note to the Game of Thrones producers: Gay King Renly was NOT on my death list.  Just in case there is any confusion, if someone is not on my  death list I don’t want them to die. kthanksbye!

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BACK AT KING’S LANDING.

Cersei learns of King Renly’s death.  She responds to the news with her usual amount of grace and humility: zero.

Sidebar: I encourage you to play a GOT drinking game where you drink whenever Tyrion grabs a glass of wine.  You will be annihilated in minutes.

Tyrion rips Cersei’s character and simultaneously fortifies his decision to send her away for an arranged marriage with the following brilliance, “Marcella is a sweet and innocent girl and I don’t blame her at all for you.”

"I hate everything."

We learn that Princess Joffrey has taken personal charge of King’s Landing’s siege preparations.

God save the King's Landing.

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Lancel, who is now leaks key info like a sieve,  readily reveals to Tyrion the details of Joffrey’s siege preparations.

Apparently Joffrey is going to protect King’s Landing by harnessing the power of “Wildfire”, which as we all know is a local Chicago restaurant chain (**** on Yelp).

Tywin Lannister approaching WIldfire for battle planning, steak, chops and seafood.

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Tyrion and Bronn tour the city and stumble upon a few heralds:

"I'm as mad as hell...and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

Also, there was a deleted herald scene on HBO.com. I have to warn you though..it’s VERY boring:

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Now we’re in Pyke.  I couldn’t care less about the Greyjoys’ plotline.  In fact, I hate the Greyjoys with such venom if I wrote my thoughts verbatim Stew Over would likely be banned from Google and I would be disowned by my parents.  I suppose that last part would be fitting considering this particular subject matter:

“No one likes you”

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Now we’re at Harrenhal.  Arya’s busying cupbearing her way around Lord Tywin and his commanders.

We properly meet Jaqen H’ghar, one of the three prisoners Arya rescued when their caravan was attacked by the Lannisters.  Jaquen believes Arya’s kind act robbed the Red God of three deaths.  Thing is, he’s a big fan of Newton’s third law…except for him it’s:

For every life saved, there is an equal and opposite murder.

So Jaquen basically volunteers to kill three people for Arya to thank her.

Her first request: the death of “the Tickler”:

"i'm sorry. It was your time. Next up: Little Miss Manners"

 

Meet my new favorite character.

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We’re back in King’s Landing where Bronn and Tyrion are doing a little investigative journalism.  The head pyromancer they question about wildfire is played by an actor so old he should have long since thrown away his SAG card. Now I know what you are thinking, “Great! the pyromancer must be played by Christopher Plummer or Max Von Sydow!”    While those two actors should retire, unfortunately they are not playing the head pyromancer.

 

"No, you are too old to be sorry."

Tyrion is impressed by the volume of wildfire and decides he’s a better person to control its future than Princess Joffrey or Queen Regent Sarah Connor.  Everyone in Westeros with a brain agrees with him.

"You have a cellar full of pots. Why didn't you tell me. I LOVE pottery!"

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Now we’re with Daenerys and her dragons in Qarth.   Apparently D and her handmaidens think the little dragons are cute.  But I know better because  I’ve seen Jurassic Park!

"I don't like the look of this..."

"Yep. Saw that coming."

 

Danny is having trouble reconciling her future (sexy Queen of Westeros) and her past (sexy Queen of the Dothraki)  But either way we know it’s going to be sexy!

Sorry, Ser Jorah. It is true.

Problem is, there are a few guys who want in on the sexiness. Firstly, there’s a very tall merchant named Xaro who wants to give her a gazillion dollars in exchange for her hand in marriage.  Secondly, the tireless Ser Jorah who has stood by her side through thick and thin.  More than ever, Ser Jorah’s intentions for Danny are vague to us.  Is his love for her brotherly or sexy?  Thank god they’re not Lannisters because then it could very well be both!

On the less loving side of the spectrum, we meet Qarth’s warlock community:

OOPS! That was a photo from Dark City.

One sec…here we go:

wait. they are THE SAME PEOPLE

Pyat Pree, head warlock and likely member of Qarth’s sex offender list, invites Danny to the “House of the Undying.”  She doesn’t go, probably because she thinks he invited her to a haunted house.

"WELCOME to the House of the Undying! Please do not make physical contact with our staff."

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Now we’re up north in Winterfell.  The entire city is waiting around for something to happen so the most exciting forward progress is Bran looks like he may be hitting puberty.  As far as science goes, that’s when you become a man.  Although in Westeros you probably have to kill someone to make it official.

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In the episode’s final scene we quickly return to Harrenhal to meet the episode’s namesake, “The Ghost of Harrenhal”

1 Point: Awesome

Of course it’s not actually a ghost, even better! It’s my new favorite character hurling the Tickler off the castle wall to his death.

Here’s hoping “the ghost” comes for Lord Tywin and Ser Kenneth Powers next:

The Red God demands only HBO stars!

 

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