Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-6 “The Old Gods and the New”

As always, let’s start off with my Season 2 DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones:

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Theon Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress
      • Lord Stannis Bore-atheon

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Red Bulls imbibed: 1

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It looks like Westeros’s favorite skeezy adult filmstar has captured Winterfell. Finally the two most boring plotlines are converging into one super boring one. Worst case scenario: half the boring.

In his first scene, Prince Theon pulls at my heartstrings by bullying a 12 year old paraplegic into surrounding Winterfell.

I’m sure this plotline end well for Lord Greyjoy and everyone will respect him more for…wait a second, this is already going terribly.  Within seconds, several servants of the Starks publicly lambaste Theon.  He then spends half of his time occupying Winterfell castle reminding people that he is now a Prince

And soon he will no longer be a Prince...

Since Theon is an empty suit-of-armor he’s also unable to make any real decisions without assistance.  That leads to puppeteering:

Good angel. Bad angel.

Theon’s wreckless decision making culminates with the execution of Ser Rodrik Cassel, Winterfell’s Master-at-Arms and the man who tought Theon to fight.  Before Theon beheads his old teacher, Rodrik informs Theon, “Now you are truly lost.”

"You're right, I am lost. No seriously. Where am I? Is this Qarth?"

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We’re north of the wall!

Jon is on the move with Qhorin Halfhand and his group of weary rangers.

THAT’S IT! After this scene I seriously don’t want any more broad discussion of “the north” or “the wildlings”.  It’s dangerous and there’s very little chance anyone will survive, the wildings know the land more than anyone else and WE GET IT ALREADY.

“You’re fighting the north!” Nope! we’re fighting extremely repetitive dialogue.

—————

Harenhal!

Same old song and dance here.  Tywin Lannister berates his commanders for their more recent incompetent decision and then confides minor character developing stories in Arya.  We are also treated to a tense scene where  Littlefinger makes a quick visit to Tywin to update him on the current schemes.  Littlefinger knows what Arya looks like and is a master of deception (at least in his own mind) so despite not saying anything to Tywin I’d be amazed if he didn’t immediately notice Tywin’s cup bearer’s true identity.

"I see you!"

—————

North of the Wall!

After a quick skirmish, the rangers have defeated a small group of wildling scouts.  Only one wildling survives: Ygritte. She’s probably the sexiest wildling around so  Jon is overtly smitten with her.

Ice meets Fire

How she got from Downton Abbey to north of the wall is a complete mystery to me….

Maid-> Secretary -> Vicious Nomad

For reasons that can only be labeled “obvious plot convenience”, Qhorin tells Jon to execute Ygritte and then catch up with them.  Why they would willingly leave one of their men alone in the icy wilderness for any reason is a mystery to me. Particularly since public executions seem to be the trending meme in Westeros.

Here’s to hoping Ygritte will add a little bit of life to Jon Snow’s borderline Forrest Gump complex.

—————

King’s Landing!

Cersei’s beloved daughter is crying on a boat in the harbor.  She’s taking a one way trip to her arranged marriage.  Cersei is still convinced Tyrion is marrying off her inbred offspring purely out of spite, despite the fact that he explicitly told her why he was sending her away.  If you weren’t paying attention, she is a horrible person.

Joffrey continues the scene’s awfulness streak by berating his younger brother for crying. The we get the “Sansa Special”  which is when Sansa says something biting to Joffrey and then he says, “What was that?” and then she backs out of her original comment to avoid getting murdered.

The royal family then leaves the dock and heads for the castle but there’s trouble a brewin’.   Did I miss something though?  Apparently everyone in the city is starving to the point they’re ready to riot.  For the first time in a while I feel like Game of Thrones rushed this plot line.  I would have loved more development of the growing discontent in King’s Landing and less “north of the wall is super dangerous! no, seriously it is!”

A riot breaks out in the streets.  Joffrey gets a cow pie to the face and reacts by threatening to kill everyone in the crowd.  That’s Joffrey!

The crowd doesn’t care for his rebuttal to the flying feces and provides a more extreme demonstration of their level of frustration:

"Men! Arm yourselves!"

Joffrey, Cersei and Tyrion barely escape the angry horde alive.  And while they’re alive, I wouldn’t say any of them are very happy about the situation.  Why?  Well, Joffrey is mad because they won’t be able to execute everyone and everything within a two block radius.  Tyrion is mad that Joffrey is mad.  Cersei isn’t in this scene but I assume she’s still mad at Tyrion. Madness.

To help the audience stay at least a bit sane, we are treated to Tyrion slapping Joffrey across the face.  That’s Tyrion!

Shortly after his last crowd pleasing bitch slap, Tyrion realizes Sansa is not with them. Luckily for Sansa, the Hound was already on the case. It’s obvious to me at this point that the Hound could become a rather interesting character as we can see he has a heart when it comes to Sansa.  Not so much though when it comes to brigands who were about to rape her:

On his off time, the Hound enjoys playing Mortal Kombat.

—————

Qarth!

Daenerys does her best to acquire ships.  Unfortunately, her best consists of throwing a temper tantrum and that doesn’t seem to cut the mustard in Qarth. To the lay person, Daenerys would sound like an absolute crazy person so I think Qarth’s hesitance to fall in line with her plans for world domination is understandable.  Her exchange with the Spice King was a highlight of the episode (condescending tone FTW!) and went a long way to sum up D’s current challenges.

"When you retake the Kingdoms of Westeros I will not get unlimited pie!?"

"well...maybe"

"Excellent"

—————

Harenhal!

For the first time, we see Arya attempt to use her proximity to intercept important military information to assist her brother. Unfortunately she gets sloppy and is nearly caught when Jaqen saves the day with a well placed arrow.

"The Red God needs a death? Right now? Fiiiiiiiine."

Here’s to hoping Arya’s familiarity with Tywin and the overall kindness he shows toward his cupbearer doesn’t blind her from making Tywin her third and final kill request.

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Robb Stark’s camp (wherever that is)

It’s been a while since we’ve seen the Young Wolf.  He’s doing his best Maximus impression as he walks amongst his troops, likely telling bad jokes they’re obligated to laugh at.

Fact: inspecting helmets is key to establishing camaraderie with your men

He takes a break from morale boosting to boost his libido by laying some honey on his favorite nurse. Before they can really hit it off, Lady Stark approaches with WNBA and does what Cat does best: she totally ruins the mood.  Just seconds after his flirting session, she reminds Robb that he’s promised to a disgusting daughter at Trident:

Wha Whaaaaaaaaaaa

 

Also, how is Robb not asking someone, “can someone explain to me who this giant woman is?”

"I am more powerful than this website's margins!!"

—————

Back north of the wall.

Ygritte and Jon cozy up next to each other for “warmth.”  We all know where that leads!

"I sleep with my head off the ground. It's better for the camera angles."

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Robb learns of Theon’s betrayal, of Ser Rodrik’s execution and of the unknown status of his brothers.  His mother rubs salt in his wounds by reminding him that she instructed him not to trust a Greyjoy!

He decides to continue his attack on the Lannisters and entrusts his Commander’s bastard son to retake Winterfell.  He also makes a specific threat:

"Theon will not be receiving Harry and David from me again this year!"

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Speaking of Winterfell.  We’re back with Princes Greyjoy in his new chambers.

Osha makes a move on him.  Despite the fact that Osha is extremely off-putting and bizarre the SkeezMeister General take the bait.

Interested in some kinky sex? And by kinky I mean the sharp twist in my neck that makes me lean over constantly.

Thankfully it’s all part of a scheme that allows Osha and Hodor to smuggle the Stark children and direwolves out of Winterfell.  It will be like the Fellowship of the Ring but with crazy, mentally ill people.

Against the power of Hodor there can be no victory.

—————

Qarth!

More moral grandstanding and unnecessary background from Xaro on how people need to make sacrifices to make a living. Did my dad write this dialogue?

Thankfully, Xaro shuts up when he arrives home to see that basically everyone in his palace was murdered.  But perhaps more importantly, we have a dragon shortage:

This is the Wheel of Fortunate equivalent of landing on bankrupt multiplied by 300,000

From the last scene of the episode we’re lead to believe that the Warlock/Child Molester guild stole the dragons and took them to the House of the Undying.  I have no specific reason to support that assumption but I’m guessing this building isn’t a supermarket:

" these aren't watermelons! oops, i must have grabbed the wrong crate."

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