Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-7 “A Man Without Honor”

As always, let’s start off with my Season 2 DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones:

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Theon Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress
      • Lord Stannis Bore-atheon

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Red Bulls imbibed: 1

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Theon kicks of the episode by kicking an incompetent soldier to bits for letting the Stark kids escape.

lol.  That’s two episodes in a row we get to see Lord Greyjoy brutalize someone for no good reason.  I’m hoping a montage of Theon kicking people around in the mud will be the new  Game of Thrones opening credits in Season 3.

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North of the Wall!

Jon and Ygritte are blabbering about something about who is fighting who, why they are fighting all the while there are sexy undertones of penises and vaginas and whatever else

Are the Wildings the equivalent of rednecks?  I figured it out.  Westeros is just an inverted U.S.A. where the yokels are in the north instead of the south.

"If you've got frostbite on your frostbite...you might be a Wildling!"

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Harrenhal continues to be a hell hole.

Just hanging out at Harrenhal

The Mountain is instructed by Lord Tywin to do what his does best. If you don’t remember what that is, it’s genocide.

Apparently before it looked like the world’s biggest pig sty,  Harrenhal was the greatest fortress ever built. Then the Targaryen dragon riders came along and burned it to the ground.

Quote of the episode:

“Most girls are idiots” – Arya

Arya and Tywin are getting a bit too close.  This relationship can’t last much longer

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Sansa awkwardly thanks the other Clegan for saving her from being sexually assaulted.  The Hound has no interest in her thanks. Instead he teaches her a few things about the joy of killing.  She doesn’t seem interested.

The official "comfort movie" of House Clegan

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Now we’re back in Qarth for 15 seconds.  Of that 15 seconds, 14 seconds consist of Daenerys complaining and 1 second of her walking. Waste of time!

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Back in the North for more flirtatiousness.  Is this a Game of Thrones  “meet-cute” because I’m about to throw up. Snowballs and Rudolph better hook up and get it over with before I start thinking Katherine Heigl is going to walk into the scene.

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We’re in the Riverlands with Robb Stark.  Quick question: are they still fighting?  I haven’t seen anyone here swing a sword in a few episodes.  Or did Robb turn the Riverlands into a summer camp?

Robb's favorite Ernest movie BY FAR

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Winterfell again.

Lord Greyjoy is back to beating up old men.  To be fair, it’s clearly his specialty at this point.

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free...and I will beat them!"

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Apparently Daenerys’ best attempt to get her dragon’s back is to stare at the cages until they reappear. This does not seem to work 🙁

D reminds us of the time her brother Viserys Targaryen told his sister that he’d let 40,000 men have sex with her in exchange for the crown.  Oh, how I miss sweet, kind Viserys.

May Flights of Angels Sing Thee to Thy Rest!

Ser Jorah tries to touch Daenerys on the shoulder.  The way she reacts you’d think he looked like Clint Howard:

"Johnson!"

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god dammit, we’re north of the wall again for more of the same banter between Snowballs and Rudolph.  She’s really laying on the moves now.  Goodbye innuendo!

Also, I’ve been thinking this for a while but it needs to be said that Jon’s outfit is ridiculous looking.

Purchased at Ye Ol' Renaissance Faire!

And his outfit looks even worse when he’s running around because, based on his running abilities, I’m confident Kit Harington had never ran anywhere in his life before joining Game of Thrones.

Rudolph pulls a fast one and gets away from Snowballs, which admittedly isn’t hard because Snowballs is a certified ignoramus.  Finally the meet cute plotline is over and Jon Snow is a prisoner of the Wildlings.  Hopefully he gets life in Wildling’s maximum security ice prison and we never see him again.

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King’s Landing!

Sansa is having her first period. Her lusty handmaiden tries to hide it from the Queen but the Hound finds out immediately.  Apparently he was already on the scent…I profusely apologize for using the expression in that context.

If you don’t remember, in season 1 Cersei made a point to creepily tell Sansa she was looking forward to when she could give Joffrey children. Now that Cersei knows Sansa can give birth, she shares horrifying stories about her childbirthing experiences with Sansa.  It’s basically the worst birds and bees speech ever.

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Back in the Riverlands.

Jaime is looking particularly filthy today:

"Keep the change you filthy animal!"

He admits he is covered in his own shit.  But I have to admit, it is nice to see the Kingslayer again.

Ser Alton Lannister, his new cell mate, tells Jaime the story of when he was his squire. Very oddly, we see that Ser Alton is getting closer and closer to Jaime as he tells his tale.  Why do i feel like Alton is going to die?

Well, my gut was right on that one!

Jaime is making his break for it!

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Qarth!

Ser Jorah meets up with Metal Winona Ryder again:

"I can both predict the future AND disappear from Hollywood!"

As was established before, metal Winona Ryder is some sort of psychic or soothsayer.  In this scene we also learn she does body painting!

Now we’re hanging with the Thirteen as D tries to zero in on the location of her dragons.

Pyatt Pree hones up to his thieving ways straight away by telling her they’re in the House of the Undying.  And then the Preester pulls off a magical coup d’etat with the help of Xaro and Pyatt Pree #2, Pyatt Pree #3, Pyatt Pree #4, Pyatt Pree #5…..you get it. The weirdo can duplicate himself.

This image by itself makes GOT not kid friendly.

Xaro is now the King of Qarth!

So it looks like D and Ser Jorah will have to head to the House of the Undying to raise the dragons.  Hopefully HBO will turn this plotline into a House of the Undying spin-off comedy series detailing the warlocks’ madcap antics and comic misunderstandings.

Next week on House of the Undying!:

David "Sully" Sullivan clones his own vomit!

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Back in the Riverlands.

Jaimie’s escape was rather short-lived.  We’ve been spending what seems like an eternity up north with Snowballs and Rudolph so god knows how long the Kingslayer was on the lam. I’m guessing three hours.

New complications! The father of the unfortunate jailer Jaime murdered during his escape wants the Kingslayer’s head.  Lady Stark has to step in to save Jaime’s life. Oh, life’s little ironies.

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King’s Landing!

Cersei is finally honing up to the incest, at least to her more diminutive brother.  Tyrion consoles her in her moment of regret by pointing out that 2 of her 3 babies with Jamie are good, kind people. Tyrion and Cersei all but agree that Joffrey is , and will always be, the worst.  Now there’s officially no one in the world that likes him.

"Mission Accomplished!"

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Jaime asks if Brienne is a woman.  An astute question!

TBD

Then Jaime starts to “Joker style” manipulate Lady Stark while finally admitting his incestuous relationship with Cersei.

"Do you know how I got my kids? my sister!"

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Back to Winterfell.

Lord Greyjoy has a little stage show set up for Grand Maester Pycelle.  I have a feeling it’s not going to be Mamma Mia!

Oh, my, god.  Theon just graduated to child murder.  What happened to beating on old guys? That stuff was MUCH funnier.

Facebook auto-tagging, meet your match!

This body has a better chance of being Uncle Owen than a Stark kid

"I'm posting these to Instagram!"

"NOOOO! Theon, I beg you! Use your SLR!!! !"

Joffrey, you better watch your ass because you have a challenger! I’m not talking about your kingship, I’m taking about your tireless pursuit of the title, “Worst Human Being Ever to Live in Fiction or Non-Fiction”.

As detestable and loathsome a crime as these murders were, the bodies obviously aren’t the Stark kids.  Theon wants his new “subjects” to think they were, but it’s more likely he just grabbed two extremely unfortunate stable boys.

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