Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-8 “The Prince of Winterfell”

As always, let’s start off with my Season 2 DEATHWISH list for Game of Thrones:

      • Princess Joffrey
      • Mayor Thomas Carcetti (Little Finger)
      • Lady Catelyn Stark*
      • Sarah Connor (Cersei)
      • Anthony Hopkins (the guy in the northern regions who horizontal polkas his daughters’ southern regions)
      • Theon Greyjoy (adult filmstar)
      • the Ginger Queen Wizard Witch Sorceress
      • Lord Stannis Bore-atheon

*this person now needs to die twice.

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Red Bulls imbibed: 1

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There’s nudity in this one!

Greyjoy continues to do his thing.  I’m running out of vocabulary to describe him is so i’m going to paste in the following thesaurus entry:

Main Entry:
terrible  [ter-uh-buhl]  Show IPA
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: bad, horrible
Synonyms: abhorrentappallingatrociousawe-inspiring,awesomeawful, beastly, dangerousdesperate,diredisastrousdisturbingdread, dreaded,
dreadfulextremefearful, frightful, ghastly,gruesomeharrowinghatefulhideous,horrendoushorrid, horrifying, inconvenient,loathsome,
monstrousobnoxiousodious,offensive, petrifying, poorrepulsiverevolting,rottenserioussevereshockingunfortunate,unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile

Theon’s sister rides into Winterfell.  He doesn’t get the respect he thinks he deserves.

Westeros don't give me no respect!

Theon’s sister tells him everything the entire GOT audience is thinking.  It’s not very nice stuff.  She reminds him how weak he is, how foolish he was to kill the Stark boys, etc.  She also tells us a heartwarming story about how she almost strangled him when he was an infant.

So are the Stark boys really dead?  I’m not buying it for a second.

Apparently she was sent to bring him back.  Is that really necessary?  Couldn’t they send the Westeros equivalent of a FedEx guy to tell him that? Would that be a raven?  Why would Theon’s dad send his best commander?

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North of the wall!

Where do they film this north of the wall stuff?  I want ski there:

Bastard Triple Axel! Snow sticks the landing!!!!

We meet a wilding leader introduced as the “Lord of Bones!” It looks like Lord Greyjoy just lost his “name sounds like a pornstar” title. Now Theon has absolutely nothing of worth.

The “Lord of Bones” wants to gut bellies and chop testicles.  And he wants to start with Jon Snow.  Ygritte argues for his life as a way of saying “even stevens” for Jon not executing her.  EVEN FROSTNECKS HAVE HONOR! (“frostnecks” is my new term for wildlings because they’re the rednecks of Westeros.)

She convinces the Lord of Bones that their leader, Mance Rayder will want to talk to Ned Stark’s bastard.  Well, Mance is probably not going to be a gentlemanly character.  There’s a better chance he’s a deranged rapist-murderer. Are there any real gentlemen on this show?

There is no "Lord of the Easy Breezy Musical Number!"

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Robb Stark is making the moves on the sexy nurse.  It was so windy when they filmed the scene  I cant even concentrate on the lovey dovey dialogue. We get some posthumous character development of “Poor Dead Ned”  Everything’s going well for Robb until he gets back to camp to see his mother.  She has an expression usually reserved for people who got hit in the head with a metal baseball bat:

Franks and beans!?

Lady Stark just made my death wish by letting the Kingslayer go.  Oh wait, she was already on my deathwish.  Now she needs to die twice.

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It looks like Lady Stark charged WNBA with bringing the Kingslayer back to King’s Landing.  After just one scene, it’s obvious Brienne and Jaime are an amazing combo.  The more time we spend with Jaime the more we see he has a silver tongue much like his diminutive brother.  In fact, most of the Lannisters have a gift for gab.

It’s fantastic to see his manipulative words smash against Brienne’s monosyllabic stubbornness.   I do hope Brienne gets the chance to smash in Jaime’s silver tongue at some point in the future.

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Harrenhal!

Tywin Lannister spontaneously decides to march against Robb Stark at night.

Arya waited too long to ask Jaqen to kill Tywin and now she’s lost the opportunity.  On the plus side, we get to see Gendry, Robert’s bastard, for the first time in a long while.  We also get to see Hot Pie!

Did you know the annoying fat kid’s name was “Hot Pie!?”

Baker and bakery eater extraordinaire

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King’s Landing!

Bronn and Tyrion are fighting like old roommates.  The twosome  trade some tremendously entertaining dialogue. Tyrion doesn’t care for Bronn’s decision to clean his finger nails in his presence.  Also, even though Bronn’s now head of the gold cloaks he doesn’t want to wear an actual gold cloak.  Of course Bronn has good strategic reasons for his decision: bulk, lack of stealth, etc..  Bronn is nothing if not an efficient killer.

Lots of good laughs in this scene but I feel like since this is episode 8 of 10 the show should focus on more substantial plot points.

We do learn that Tyrion believes Stannis will attack King’s Landing’s “Mud Gate” since it’s closest to the shore.  Lord Varys shows up and asks how they’re going to defend the castle.  Tyrion replies, “with pig shit”, a reference to the massive stock pile of wildfire the crazy kook in the basement brewed up.

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North of the wall!

Friar Tuck AKA Northern MAN-CHILD and a few other Night’s Watchers are digging in the snow.  Why?  Did they explain why they would be digging in the snow?  Did someone get their car stuck!? WHAT’S HAPPENING!?

The Night's Watch will dig out your car and charge your battery for $50 (cash or credit. no personal checks!)

One of their shovels hits something solid and uncover a stone case.

Inside they find:

"They're digging in the wrong place!"

Wait, no, they just find some Dragon Glass! Whatever the hell that is.

Hopefully they asked for permission from the wildlings and negotiated a percentage share of the profits:

American Digger is awesome.

——–

Harrenhal!

“A man has patrol duty” Jaqen reminds Arya.

In a remarkable maneuver by Arya, she blackmails Jaqen by using her last kill request to ask for his own suicide!

"what was that name again?"

Instead of killing himself, he agrees to help Arya and her friends escape.

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King’s Landing!

Cersei, ” Do you think I’m an idiot?”  Tyrion, “I’d say you possess above average intelligence”  Tyrion, I love the comeback but I have to disagree with your assessment.

Moments after Arya blackmails Jaqen, Cersei blackmails Tyrion for his decision to send Joffrey into battle.  Everything that happens to Joffrey, every scratch, cut or bit of harm that comes to him will be revisited on Tyrion’s favorite whore.   But alas,  Cersi found the wrong whore!  Above average intelligence?  Really? No.

Tyrion plays along as if Cersei’s plot succeeded.  He gives her an amazing threat, “Your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.”  Hopefully that literally happens to Cersei!

Tyrion races off to his actual beloved whore (that’s an odd phrase to type) and we get a rare dramatic moment from Tyrion as he tells Shae that she is “his”  Shae seems to enjoy that line even though most women I know wouldn’t like to be possessed by anyone.  Then again, I don’t know any whores so god knows…

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Robb Stark is in his tent.  He has problems. Many, many problems.

 

but she aint one of them!!

She knows Valyrian poetry.  I’m hopeful that’s superior to regular poetry.

It’s not often that a story about a child drowning leads to sex but there it is.

Is she going to blackmail him as well? No?  Well, that was a nice change of pace!

——

Harrenhal!

Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie escape thanks to Jaqen.  How?

This is how:

Mass murder.

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Lord Stannis’ ship!

We’re treated to an intriguing backstory on both Lord Stannis and Ser Davos, the Onion Knight.  These two are more important to each other than I thought.   Of most note, Ser Davos’ father was a crab person:

Lord Stannis lets Ser Davos know that when they capture the city he is going to name him Hand.  Ser Davos acts honored but we know he had it in the bag.

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King’s Landing!

We get one line out of Joffrey where he tells Tyrion how he’ll personally carve a smile into Stannis’ face when he lands. What’s truly remarkable is that it takes only one line to remind us that Joffrey is a moron, a sadistic maniac and an overconfident little shit.

Varys and Tyrion have some stand-out banter on the ramparts. They mock Joffrey’s uselessness, discuss their future in King’s Landing and we also learn they know of Daenerys’ dragons!   Tyrion points out how all of the gods in Westeros are vicious; the Drowned God wants people drowned and the Lord of Light wants enemies burned.  Varys informs him of a god in the Summer Isles with a multitude of teats.  Tyrion longs for this “God of Tits and Wine” and jokingly demands they set sail immediately.

———–

And we’re back in Winterfell just to get the final surprise reveal that the little Stark boys are alive.  I’m not going to boast but…

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