Game of Thrones on Red Bull: 2-9 “Blackwater”
Red Bulls imbibed: 1
Forget the deathwish list this week, let’s get to the most expensive Game of Thrones episode yet!
Bronn and the Hound almost get into a fight to the death. Now that would have been something to see.
And now you’ve put poop into everyone else’s underpants…
Joffrey makes Sansa (innuendo alert!) kiss his sword before the battle. He named the sword “Hearteater”. I assume that’s a reference to how someone ate Joffrey’s heart because he’s literally the most heartless character ever to grace the Home Box Office. That includes George Hearst (Deadwood), Richie Aprile (Sopranos) and vampire King Russell Edgington (True Blood)
As a reminder, Russell Edgington once ripped out a man’s spine on live TV:
After asking for Sansa’s kiss he informs her that one day she’ll have to kiss Hearteater when it’s covered in Robb Stark’s blood. Classic Joffrey!
Sansa to Shae, “Joffrey will [come back]. The worst ones always do.” I love how Sansa has shifted from unintentionally insulting Joffrey back when she though she loved him (what was that, like 3 months ago?) to blatantly and openly ridiculing him.
Now we’re on the wall with Tyrion. He’s also blatantly insulting Joffrey and no one cares. After this episode I have a feeling Joffrey’s reign will not be long for the world of Westeros.
In the keep, the royal women are all holed up in a safe room. Although it’s not very safe for Sansa and Shae since it’s shared by a booze-soaked Cersei Lannister.
Cersei is very curious as to if Sansa’s “red flower is still blooming.” I would much prefer she asked, “are you still having your period!?
Ser Illyn is there to protect the women. Just by looking at Ser Illyn’s terrifying face I’m sure that’s not the case. Also, the fact that he’s an executioner and not a soldier is a bit troublesome. Ser Ilyn has Old Dead Ned Stark’s sword, “Ice” so here’s hoping Sansa gets it back somehow.
Back on the wall.
Joffrey is furious with Tyrion because there’s only one Lannister ship. Obviously Joffrey is completely in the dark because that ship is packed full of pig shit…i mean wildfire.
And then we get one of the most memorable moments in TV history:
Congratulations Game of Thrones visual effects and sound effects teams. You just won yourselves Emmy awards.
The reactions to the wildfire trap’s “success” speak volumes of each character’s morality. Bronn and the Hound are flabbergasted. Weapons of Mass Destruction are beyond the scale of death their generally comfortable with. The crazy old man who made the wildfire is happy because he’s a productive member of society again. Joffrey smiles because someone ate his heart. And poor Tyrion. As usual he provides the most nuanced response, both amazed and full of regret due to the horrible deaths he just wrought on Stannis’ soldiers.
Back to Cersei’s Alcoholics Anonymous clinic. She’s making Sansa drink a bunch of booze. That’s not what you do in AA!
The Queen Regent also extolls the virtues of the “weapon she has between her legs.” Sounds absolutely terrifying.
Back to the battle. Stannis, while very boring, is a courageous king. Completely opposite to Joffrey’s sheer cowardice, Stannis literally leads the attack on shore. Stannis is clearly a skilled fighter. Although he’s not able to do this…
Per Tyrion’s command, the Hound leads a squad out of the gate to fight off Stannis’ troops. The Hound is essentially a Mortal Kombat character on the battlefield, dropping finishing moves on Stanni’s soldiers including crushing heads like Gallagher crushes watermelons:
He also is an extremely motivational battle commander, “If any man dies with a clean sword i’ll rape his fucking corpse!” That sounds like it would be worse for the Hound than the soldier but he was probably just getting overexcited.
The Hound is kicking ass when suddenly he freezez. The fire. The traumatic burning he received as a child causes him to turn around and quit. But not before Bronn saves his life. I have a feeling that good deed means we’ll likely never see them fight each other.
When the Hound returns to the castle he informs Tyrion, “The Blackwater is on fire.” lol, then the Hound literally tells everyone to fuck themselves, including the king.
Then, as predictable as ever, Joffrey decides he doesn’t want to fight. So he behaves like the baby he is, only stopping short of shouting, “i want my mommy!” and then runs away.
This allows Tyrion to have his “Braveheart moment” where he realizes that he can lead the troops. With a snappy 30 second speech he motivates the remaining troops to rise up to defend the city. It’s a fantastic speech too; straightforward, pragmatic and with the usual light tinge of Tyrion humor.
“Those are brave men knocking on our door…let’s go kill them!”
Drunk Cersei abandons the saferoom leaving Shae and Sansa to their own devices, which in Shae’s case is a dagger strapped to her leg. Sansa returns to her room to hideout since, supposedly, Stannis should not have any reason to harm Starks.
Then we get an unexpectedly touching scene between Sansa and the Hound. He stopped by her room to tell her she has a free ticket to Winterfell.
Sansa: “Where are you going?”
Hound: “To some place where it’s not burning”
I can’t think of a better person to protect the “little bird” than the Hound. Here’s hoping she accepts his offer.
Back to the battle, Tyrion’s plan to flank Stannis’ troops worked, but only for a brief moment. The king’s guard is immediately attacked by hundreds of additional Baratheon troops who come pouring down the beach. When Tyrion realizes this all he can muster is, “oh fuck”
Tyrion fights bravely in battle, even managing to chop a guy’s leg off. But eventually he’s overmatched by an armored guard and in a brutal moment he has his face slashed open. And by slashed I really mean severed. From his forehead to his chin the sword rips through his face, sending him to the ground.
As Tyrion passes out, in a near dreamlike state, he see’s Lannister cavalry approaching. They route Stannis’ remaining troops and save the day.
This does not make Stannis happy. Very much against his will his men drag him away from the battle.
Now we’re in the throne room where Cersei is about to poison her son. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or the standard Cersei psychosis (or a delightful combination!) but she’s telling him a really sloppy story that’s supposed to serve as an analogy for their present situation. Even the little kid is correcting the story because it’s so nonsensical. Where’s Emperor Commodus and his “busy bee” speech when you need him?
Before Cersei can MURDER HER SON, Old Daddy Warbucks bursts into the throne room and announces their victory.
Well, that was the best episode of Game of Thrones to date. It is decided.