Elderly Man Beaten and Murdered by Home Invader

For Mr. Vlad Tepish it seemed as if he was finally getting back on his feet. For hundreds of years he lived a lonely and fearful life, a freakish man who struggled to make friends and failed to find love. The estate he purchased many years before had fallen into disrepair and his finances were in ruin to an overly aggressive real estate venture in London that went belly up.

But this year Mr Tepish had already started to turn his life around. He’d just completed addiction counseling, paid off a large sum of his outstanding debts and was finally getting around to a truly inspired gut rehab of his estate, known to locals as Castlevania but known to Vlad and his closest buddies as “Casa de the Vladmeister.”

Yesterday, Mr. Tepish’s dreams came to a tragic close due to a horrifying home invasion in which the elderly Transylvanian was brutally beaten to death by a young, muscular man with flowing blond hair. The Transylvanian police department has yet to make an arrest but based on the man’s description, the local townspeople believe his first name is likely Simon:

A Transylvanian PD sketch artist’s rendering of the suspect

Franz Kepler is the sole owner and proprietor of the Drunken Mare, the closest hotel to Mr. Tepish’s estate.  When shown the photo Mr. Kepler said, “yeah, that looks like the guy.  He stayed here two nights ago.  I remember him because he was always wearing just the strangest outfits. Lots of really short leather items… plus he didn’t say a word the whole time he was here.  A very quiet guy”

But last night, “Simon” proved to be anything but quiet.  Igor, Mr. Tepish’s longtime servant, and the massacre’s sole survivor, recapped the break-in during a press conference earlier this morning, “We were just sitting down to eat when all of a sudden our security system went off.” Nested deep in the Carpathian Mountains,  Mr. Tepish’s house was in a remote, hard-to-reach location and an unlikely target for thieves.  Hence, Igor and Mr. Tepish paid little attention to the initial alarm.

Photo taken by a security camera seconds before the attack

“We’d had alarms before due to hungry lost travelers, wolves, English real estate agents, etc. so we really didn’t think much of it. Then this “Simon” guy just walked in the front door and started smashing everything in sight. He was an absolute wild man. I vividly remember him jumping up and down constantly. Up and down. Up and down. I’ve never seen anything like it. He was also carrying a massive metal whip. I asked Vlad where he thought the attacker might have bought a whip like that but he had no idea.”

Shortly after the attack: Igor, Mr. Tepish’s friend, servant and sole survivor

According to the 911 center’s call logs, the home invasion lasted shortly under 45 minutes. Igor gave a detailed description of each horrifying minute to the police, “Thankfully, right after he got into the door, Simon was distracted by the hundreds of shiny candelabras in the castle. He was jumping all over everything to slash the candles with his whip. I saw him jump off a table a few times and once even off a staircase! It was completely insane! It reminded me of in the locker room when guys get a towel wet and whip other guys’ butts…er….anyway, the candelabras gave us enough time to get to the top of the house to hide in a secret room Vlad had installed during the remodeling.”

“We just hunkered down, went completely silent and prayed he wouldn’t find us. Back in the day Vlad was a hell of a warrior but that was a very long time ago. Plus he was wearing his bulky evening cape so there was no way he’d be able to defeat a young, heavily armed, probable cocaine addict.” Unfortunately for Vlad and Igor, the nearest law enforcement was more than 20 miles away and due to the dramatic thunderstorm and the rocky, hard to traverse Borgo Pass, it would be nearly impossible for help to reach the house.

Despite their secret hiding place, which accessing required dodging swinging axes, leaping chasms and riding massive clock cogs, Simon finally reached the hiding duo.  At a dead end with no place left to run, Vlad instructed Igor to leave him and turned to face his attacker. For nearly three minutes, Simon mercilessly beat and mutilated Mr. Tepish’s elderly frame. The autopsy revealed Mr. Tepish died due to a combination of:

  • excessive bleeding from 25 whip lashings about the face, torso and legs
  • a variety of small lacerations from broken glass suck in Vlad’s back from what appeared to be hurled bottles of water
  • two severed arteries due to 10-12″ ax wounds
  • a massive brain hemmorage due to a crucifix driven straight through the brain

After performing the autopsy, Ishmak Trantowksy, the local medical examiner stated, “I’ve never seen such a tragic case of elder abuse in my life.  What a senseless crime.  It’s the younger generation. Something’s wrong with kids these days, I’ve been saying it for years.”

Beyond Mr. Tepish’s murder, several members of his household also lost their lives in the attack.  Recent estimates put the total # of deaths at 354.

Several of Mr. Tepish’s house guests lost their lives in the attack as well as his beloved pet

The precise motive behind the break-in and murder is still unclear to investigators .  “There really wasn’t a whole lot stolen…a few sacks of money hidden about the castle and, oddly enough, a few steaks” Igor informed the investigators, “It’s all just so bizzare and tragic…I can still hardly believe it.”  Igor stopped speaking for a moment to compose himself, “he was my best friend” he said before breaking into tears.

Mr Tepish, known to his best friends as Dragon (or Dracula in his native tongue), will always be remembered for his support of the arts community, his dramatic and elaborate personal style and his hatred for wine.  Mr. Tepish has no immediate family.  In lieu of flowers, donations will be used to repair the incredible amount of damage to Mr.Tepish’s house caused by the attack.  “After the attack the entire house just crumbled to the ground.” Igor told investigators, “I don’t understand the physics of that at all but I’m homeless so who f*cking cares?” Luckily for insurance purposes, Igor was able to record the tragic fall of Castlevania with his flip camera.


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