Classical Music – This is NOT the way to listen to it

So this week instead of continuing on my journey through the history of Classical Music I am going on a sidebar and addressing a rather alarming piece of news that fellow Stewover editor Kristin shared with me the other day.

Basically, the author to the immensely popular “Fifty Shades of Grey” book series took it upon himself to share several selections of classical music that inspired him while writing his “mommy porn.”

Now there are several things wrong with this. First, companies like EMI need to STOP publishing these bullshit classical compilations that create false associations with great music. I am tired of hearing ads for “Mozart for Babies” or “The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the World” and various other bullshit. I know companies struggle with how to market classical music but this is not the way to do it. You don’t ever hear about “Beyonce for your Dog Walker” or “Disco for Douchebags” compilations so why do we have to insult classical music in this way?

Second, why does E.L. James deserve any attention (and additional income) whatsoever when it comes to his musical tastes? Apparently he mentions these songs in his books, so in that case go out and pay the artists for their hardwork in putting this music together. Don’t give E.L. James any more fucking money just to find out what generic classical piece of music inspired his anal fisting fantasies.

Here’s the track listing with my own added commentary:

1. Lakmé (Act I): Flower Duet (Mady Mesplé, Danielle Millet)

Obvious, overused, and vomit-inducing

2. Bach: Adagio from Concerto #3 BWV 974 (Alexandre Tharaud)

Yes, the perfect piece to lose your anal-virginity to

3. Villa-Lobos: Bachianas Brasilerias #5 – Cantilena (Barbara Hendricks)

A choir of cellos accompanying a mezzo-soprano…..gang bang music?

4 . Verdi: La Traviata Prelude (Riccardo Muti / Philharmonia Orchestra)

Really Muti? You agreed to this?

5. Pachelbel: Canon in D (Sir Neville Marriner/ Academy of St. Martin-in-the-Fields)

This piece makes me want to strangle myself, so maybe it is appropriate

6. Tallis: Spem in Alium (The Tallis Scholars)


7. Chopin: Prelude #4 in E minor, Largo (Samson François)

8. Rachmaninoff: Piano Concerto #2 – Adagio Sostenuto(Cecile Ousset, Sir Simon Rattle / CBSO)

Well, Rachmaninoff did have huge hands…

9. Vaughan Williams: Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis(Sir Adrian Boult / LPO)

Sublimely beautiful music should not be associated with absolute trash

10. Canteloube: Chants d’auvergne, Bailero (Arleen Auger)

11. Chopin: Nocturne #1 in B-flat minor (Samson François)

12. Faure: Requiem – In Paradisum (Choir of King’s College, Cambridge / Stephen Cleobury)

Wow, I think he just managed to insult every person who has ever died

13. Bach: Goldberg Variation – Aria (Maria Tipo)

14. Debussy: La Fille Aux Cheveux de Lin (Moura Lympany)

Translated “The Girl with the Flaxen Hair.” I don’t think Debussy was thinking about blonde sex slaves when he wrote it.

15. Bach: Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring (Alexis Weissenberg)

Nothing says “lets get it on” like church music baby.


At the very least, if you have read the books and want to find out more about the music don’t buy the CD and give this jerkoff more money. Just look up the stuff on youtube, or even buy the tunes separately off of iTunes…


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