Walking Dead on Red Bull: 3-1 “Seed”

Red Bulls imbibed: 1

And a reminder on my current kill list. These are the characters who deserve painful deaths:

      • Lori
      • Carl
      • Andrea
      • Glenn
      • T-Bone

Let’s walk.

We start with an educational vignette about how dumb all of the Walking Dead characters are i.e.  it’s a quick recap of Season 2. *rim shot*

Season 3 starts with a gradual fade in on a dead zombie eye with a slow pan backwards. The zombie makeup improves every season. At this point they should be winning makeup Oscars. That’s right, Oscars.

Season 1’s makeup left a lot to be desired

Behind our perfectly done up zombie a door  swings open and Rick’s crew comes in guns a blazing.  In short order the expertly done zombie makeup is marred by a volley of bullets and crossbow bolts.

Even Carl’s Jr. storms into the building complete with cowboy hat.  But when it comes to a new accessory, Hersheles’s new beard takes the cake. The old fella looks more like God every day. If he makes it to Season 4 he’ll start that season wearing a white robe and sandals.

After the zombie skirmish everyone in Rick’s crew is silent.  Lori is very pregnant but since she’s Lori I doubt she’ll be silent for long.  Rick shoots her an upset look that says everything short of, “I want a divorce”.

A few minutes in and still not a word spoken.  Rick angrily hurls a canned good at a fireplace.  Clearly the “Ricktocracy” / “Ricktatorship” / “United States of Grimes” isn’t a Utopian society.  Both Carol and her haircut are unsettled by Rick’s hatred for canned goods.

Canned food is for cats!!!

Zombies start surrounding the crew’s temporary hideout.  They probably heard Rick throwing cans around.  In seconds the crew is on the move again. It’s nice to see Boondock still has his chopper.  The crew drives away before the zombies reach them. Clearly the show’s establishing that they’re running low on food, are tired of constantly moving and that the zombies are everywhere.  Unfortunately that doesn’t prevent the pre-credits scenes from being a bit of a bore.

Cut to a slightly updated credits complete with new prison footage.

Commercial sidebar: I’m glad Chris Hardwick and Comic Book Men are back to annoy me during Season 3’s commercial breaks.  After seeing the latest Skyfall trailer instead of Chris Hardwick’s Talking Dead, I’d like James’  Bond to host a classy English talk show after the Walking Dead.  I’d much rather watch Daniel Craig stare at the camera with his steely blue eyes while occasionally sipping vodka martinis for 15 minutes than hear about the the scenes Chris Hardwick thinks were totally sweet.

Now that Old Man Lookout is riding around in the Big Winnebago in the Sky (may his crusty soul rest in peace) Rick’s given the important lookout job to the next least qualified individual:

If Rick used Craigslist:

Wanted for lookout position: someone with a short attention span and who’s easily distracted. He/she should make poor decisions constantly. A lookout without noteworthy combat skills and who’s both short and weak is also preferred.

After an entire summer’s worth of Season 3 hype commercials, the gang stumbles upon the prison.  Rick proclaims, “It’s perfect”  I assume he’s describing Hersheles’ beard.

“Hold my beard, son!”

Glenn volunteers to help secure the prison. That means Glenn will try to secure the prison. Then he will freakout, fuck up and put someone’s life in jeopardy.

In an effort to tell us that a large chunk of time has passed, Rick informs us that, “Carol has become a good shot.”   Then, i shit you not, she repays Rick by almost shooting him. Hilarious!!

If Rick used Craigslist:

Marksman needed: gang of ignoramuses looking for an individual who will accidentally shoot the person/people they’re protecting and think that it’s a good laugh. Pay dependent on experience and the hideousness of your haircut.

Alright, I’m calling bullshit.  Hersheles with an assault rifle is unfair to the zombies.  Why not just give Rick a fighter jet with infinite fuel and unlimited atomic bombs? Same thing.

To ensure the irony of Rick’s compliment to Carol, everyone except Carol is a perfect shot.  In particular, Carl’s Jr. picking off zombies 200 yards away with a revolver impressed me. It was so impressive I can hardly believe it.  In fact, I don’t believe it at all.

With the entire prison yard of prisoner zombies dead, Rick smiles.  Since he’s a Sheriff he must double down hate  prisoner zombies.  T-bone’s more excited than Rick. I’m not sure if it was due to killing the prisoner zombies or because he got to say a line.

Commercial break: Kevin Smith is hosting AMC’s Halloween Fearfest marathon.  That’s good news for everyone on the Dish Network.

Some shows are best when unavailable.

Hersheles wants to grow a garden in the prison.  I don’t like this. It sounds like the kind of silly musings about the future characters have before they die.  Everything I know about him tells me Hersheles is immortal but I can’t help but be concerned.

Apparently Boondock and Carol patched up their previously tumultuous relationship.  Carol even jokes to Boondock, “It’s pretty romantic. Want to screw around?” Boondock laughs but in his mind he’s thinking, “I don’t have threesomes with a woman and a haircut. another woman and a guy maybe, but no haircuts.”

Hersheles asks Suicide Girl to sing a folsky song campfire song.

Hot damn, we gotta find those gals and sign em to a big fat contract!

Hersheles thinks the song was beautiful… classic biased father feedback. Let’s be honest, the song was a B- at best.

After resisting giving the campfire song a B-, Rick explains that he’s not happy about only controlling the prison yard. Tomorrow he wants to break into the prison “hand-to-hand” because they’re dangerously low on ammo and on excuses for melee kills.

Lori provides Rick with some now iconic non-constructive criticism.  Her ability to aggravate people around her is a superpower gene mutation triggered by the infection.

Capcom plans to unveil Lori as a downloadable boss in Resident Evil 6. The moment you hear her voice your health starts to drain.

We cut to Michonne, samurai extraordinaire, who’s busy decapitating four zombies in a pharmacy so she can snag a packet of aspirin.   IMHO killing two zombies per aspirin pill isn’t worth the effort. Maybe if it was for Excedrin…maybe…no…not even for Excedrin.

We’re back in the prison where, as promised, the gang hand-to-hand battles further inward.  In an invented and unexpected moment they run into prison guard zombies clad in full SWAT gear.  For a minute the obvious solution to remove the Swat Zombie’s helmets eludes the group but once they figure it out we’re treated to a hugely entertaining series of brutal brainings.

But the scene’s real highlight: Rick jumpkicking a zombie.

Next episode Rick body slams a zombie off the prison roof and finishes him with five-story free fall atomic flying elbow.

Now they’re in the actual prison. Watch out for Clint Eastwood, the Birdman and don’t involve John Mason. He doesn’t exist!

“Womack!?”

In the prison cell block they divide the cells and then settle down for a night’s rest.  Maggie and Glenn share a prison cell.  Their inevitable love scenes will be more awkward and upsetting than actual prison roommate love scenes (read: rapes).

Back to Michonne.

Andrea is ill and asks Michonne to leave her behind.  Michonne refuses and Andrea stubbornly replies, “I can take care of myself!”  That is an absolute falsity.  Michonne’s two modified helper zombies make a brief appearance again as the half-dead foursome forges out into the unknown.

Back in the prison.

Lori’s worried she’ll die in labor and Zombie Lori will eat her baby OR the baby will die in her womb, become a zombie and then tear her apart from the inside. Unlike Lori, I am happy with both of those outcomes.

She also thinks Rick hates her. Welcome to the club, Rick. Club Everyone.

Club Everyone’s logo

Commercial break: Shopthewalkingdead.com advertises music from this episode.  What does that entail, some imbecile playing spooky sounds on a keyboard for 50 minutes?

As featured every week in the Walking Dead

Rick and crew head deeper into the prison.  As predicted, Glenn gets separated from the rest of the crew and Hersheles comes to the rescue.

Oh no!  A zombie bites into Hersheles’ leg.   Nooo!!!! Cut it off before it goes zombie! I’m getting emotional. This can’t be happening.  Rick hears my cry for help and takes a hatchet to Hersheles’ leg.

How did the zombies know that the Achilles’ heel was literally Hersheles”s Achilles’ heel?  Before being turned, the prisoners clearly studied Greek history in the prison library.  You know what that means?  Brooks killed Hersheles.

Fuck you Brooks.

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