Walking Dead on Red Bull: 3-2 “Sick”

Red Bulls imbibed:  1

And a reminder on my current kill list. These are the characters who deserve painful deaths:

      • Lori
      • Carl
      • Andrea
      • Glenn
      • T-Bone

Let’s walk.

We resume right as the prisoners we met at the last episode’s conclusion stare on in wonder at the one-legged God known as Hersheles’ leg.

One of the prisoners looks at the group and with genuine confusion says, “You don’t look like the rescue team!”

Oh, really?  Firstly, what does a rescue team look like? don’t they wear fun coordinated “rescue team” outfits?

Yes, yes they do.

Also, why would anyone send a rescue team to a prison taken over my zombies?  “Sir, there might be a bunch of prisoners trapped in that prisons cafeteria!”  “How do you know that, son?”  “It’s a hunch!”  “Alright, send in a platoon!”

Commercials:  Based on Kevin Smith’s posture he appears to have a neck problem.  To be fair, his neck probably gets worse every day, weighed down by 20 straight years of terrible filmmaking.

Kevin Smith will put anything in his mouth but he prefers Double Quarter Pounders covered in nacho cheese

The prisoners follow the crew as they cart Hersheles back to their cell block.    T-10 seconds until Mozart starts balling and aks an unanswerable question…waiting….YEP. there it is!  “Is he going to die!?”

“I don’t know Mozart. Give me a quick second and I’ll go ask GOD?”

God, while you’re taking Qs…Mozart seems to be aging like Benjamin Button. How old is Hersheles’ youngest daughter / famous composer?

T-Bone is running around like a maniac this episode. Tons of confidence, riot gear, gun skills, MULTIPLE LINES.  If he keeps this up he’s going to be the first character to exit my kill list without being killed. Keep up the good work, T-Bone!

Rick and Boondock explain how the walker disease spreads.

Old white prisoner needs unclear clarification, “Infected?  Like AIDS?”

Remember how Magic Johnson got HIV and started eating peoples brains?

The prisoners’ “leader” has a considerable amount of Latin Fire. Muy picante! Carol is worried that they don’t have any crutches for Hersheles if he wakes from his slumber.  Carol’s Haircut! Don’t shoot for the backyard fence, shoot for the stars! The bionic stars.

Half God / Half Machine / Half Hershel

Maggie points out to Glenn, “It was stupid to let [Hershel] go.”  Glenn, “It could have happened to anyone!”   Thanks, Glenn. As always your incites are amazing.  Glenn continues, “Did you know that boys have penises and girls have vaginas!?”

Glenn’s next revelation:

I’m hoping Carol’s Haircut kisses Hersheles while he sleeps…

Unlike the Disney scenario, Carol’s Haircuts’ kiss would almost certainly assasinate the old bastard

Mozart and Maggie discuss what will happen if their immortal father passes away.  Mozart’s not worried because, “we have Carol”  Yeah, and I have a pair of hiking boots in my closet. Let’s make a list of all of the useless stuff we have!

never used. will sell for $5 OBO

Lori approaches Rick to deliver yet another manipulative speech worthy of Lady Macbeth. Lori, “I know I’m a shitty wife and not winning any mother of the year awards…” Oops, no one told Lori they shut down the Mother of the Year awards when half the world’s mothers died.

The coveted Mother of the Year Award button

T-Bone has more lines! Keep it going baby!

More time at Hersheles’ bedside.  I want Hersheles to live.  That said, Zombie Hersheles is someone I could get behind.

Maggie gives her father an unwarranted hillbilly last rights.  I’m sure Old Man Lookout is looking out from heaven right now.  Of course if he is and Hersheles dies, Heaven won’t even know about it until he’s five feet from the pearly gates.

6 months in and God is already sick of OML’s moral grandstanding

Commercial: AMC trying to get the #oneleggedhershel hashtag going on Twitter.  Good luck with that AMC

Carl’s Jr returns to the cell block with a sack full of medical supplies.  Lori doesn’t like how he went off on his own and has a total spaz out.

She doesn’t deserve a “mother of the year” button but don’t try to take away her favorite hair clip

Rick and Boondock teach the prisoners that the key to killing walkers is destroying the brain. “The brain!  THE BRAIN!  THE BRAAAAAIIIIN!” they repeat ad nauseum

Where do we kill them again?

Back at Hersheles’ bedside they’re discussing how much Hersheles taught Carol.  Carol’s not satisfied with his teachings.  She laments, “He didn’t teach me everything…” as she sadly reflects on her barely touched kama sutra book.

Hersheles’ expertise knows no bounds

Back with the prisoners, the big guy breaks formation and gets scratched by a walker.  He tries to tell everyone he’s fine and won’t turn but Latin Fire murders him. Then once the big guys is dead, Latin Fire makes damn sure he murdered him.

The aftermath looks a lot like this but a lot more Latin

Carol and Glenn are standing outside by the prison fence.  Carol’s Haircut maintains that she’s going to have to deliver the baby. Why’s that Carol’s Haircut?  This just in: OBGYNs need to have two fully functional legs.

Long John Silver’s plans to use the treasure to start his own OBGYN practice would have been in vain

Quick sidebar: in the first two episodes of the season I’m confident they’ve killed more  zombies than in the past two seasons combined.

Rick, T-Bone, Daryl and the prisoners push further into Cell Block D.  In the middle of the battle with the walkers, Latin Fire tries to slash Rick and then pushes a zombie on him.

Rick doesn’t know how to retaliate but he still has brains on his mind so why the hell not do this:

No mas

Right after snuffing out the Latin Fire, Rick breaks pretty much every rule he was screaming at the prisoners earlier by running off BY HIMSELF into an UNEXPLORED AREA   Why is he even chasing an unarmed prisoner through a zombie infested prison?  Is he worried that he’s going to tell?”

Commercial sidebar: Every time I see or heard Chris Hardwicke or Kevin Smith i get 1% closer to buying each episode individually.  I’m currently at 72%”

Hersheles awakes! He gives Rick a manly arm wrestling move and Rick looks confused because he prefers fist bumps.

Bump it

Now we’re outside the prison where Carol’s Haircut decides that she’s going to learn how to give a c-section by studying a walker’s corpse.  I don’t know about you but I’m fairly confident a zombie uterus isn’t quite the same as a healthy one. Just a guess…wish we had Long John Silver OBGYN to tell us…

Rick and Lori have some more time to awkwardly chat about parenting.  Lori is excited to start clearing out the bodies from the prison.  She wants to give Carl “a safe place to do whatever he does these days…”  Well, he spends a lot of time listening to Lori complain about his behavior so  that’s probably what he’ll get to do in his new safe place.

Lori and Rick’s marriage is so bad that their talking about the futility of getting a divorce.  They jokingly mention hiring lawyers.  Did I hear that right?  ZOMBIE lawyers? YES


Yes Yes YES!

God dammit! They decided NOT to get zombie lawyers.

You know who’s fault this is?

Fuck you Brookes.

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