Walking Dead on Red Bull: 3-4 “Killer Within”

Red Bulls imbibed:  1

Let’s walk.

Firstly, since I missed last week’s episode, here are my thoughts on 3-3.

Welcome to Woodbury!

Home of Exquisitely Arranged Flaming Trash Cans!

We met Merle again. also known as the poor man’s Bruce Campbell.

“Hail to the King…of Beers, baby! Drink Budweiser! Drink Budweiser god dammit!”

We met the Governor.  I found a recipe for him on Allrecipes.com

Governor Recipe

Ingredients:

  • Two tablespoons of Bill Compton

  • one tablespoon of Stellan Skarsgard

  • a small dash of Paxton
Instructions: mix until delightful.

I am both the King of Louisiana and the Governor of Woodbury.  I love politics!

We saw the Governor kill a bunch of soliders.

This is revenge for the blowing up the True Blood factories!

Vampires also will never forget!

What I learned about the Governor:

  • he’s delightful
  • loves old timey expressions like,  “Survival in the wild is tough sleddin'”
  • Refuses to leave the room to have private conversations, prefers whispering secrets into people’s ears
  • Probably has some kind of weird breeding plan to repopulate the earth
  • he’s delightful

Now on to Episode 3-4…

In the pre-credits sequence, an unidentified individual breaks down doors and sets bait to lure the zombies toward the Ricktatorship.  I know who it is.

Baiting: it  starts with Reeses Pieces but it always ends with organs

 

Glenn and Maggie are doing it in the guard tower AGAIN.  Rick, Carol’s Haircut, T-Bone and Boondock think it’s funny.  There’s a joke about coming.  What is this a Pierce Brosnan James Bond movie?

What an excellent innuendo!!

Personally I don’t think having sex with Glenn is a laughing matter. I’m sure it’s quite dreadful.

The Gang debates adding the two surviving prisoners to the group. T-Bone has way too many lines while Rick insists that the deal stands!

———

Back to Woodbury!

Michonne is checking out the humvee the Governor harvested from the troops.  The Governor wants her to join his crew.  Michonne knows something’s fishy in the state of Woodbury.

Michonne, he’s not a governor! He’s King-Governor Compton!

The Governor unsuccessfully tries to “glamour” Michonne

When are they going to add vampires to this show? Season 6?  Werewolves?  Hopefully never. I hate werewolves.  Except for teenage ones.

You are an animal! Woo!

—-

Back to the Prison

As part of her doomed bid to become Mother of the Year, Lori superglued the Sheriff’s hat to Carl’s Jr’s head.

Hershel is walking again!  I’m guessing he won’t need the crutch long since I know he has regenerative powers.

Hersheles does it in 5 weeks.

—-

Back to Woodbury

Andrea and Michonne plot their exodus.

It’s obvious to everyone there’s only one place they should go:

Forget Woodbury. Welcome to Wally World!

—-

Back to the Prison

Carol must be having a spat with her haircut. She’s wearing some tremendous headwear all of a sudden to stifle her flowing locks. Most likely she’s pulling out all of the stops to lure Boondock (Daryl) back to her filthy cell to do filthy things *shudder*

Lori has a very low-hanging pregnancy.  Shane Jr is unorthodox, much like his father.

UH OH.  Look’s like Elliot’s devious pre-credits zombie baiting worked.  The walkers attack the Ricktocracy from behind and splinter the group into three contingents.

Hersheles and Mozart make it to safety with an able assist from Hersheles’ crutch.

Lori, our favorite restaurant chain and Maggie disappear into the prison.

T-Bone and Carol fight it out in the prison yard.

Rick, Glenn and Boondock, who were standing by the exterior fence, sprint toward the prison faster than they’ve ever run in their lives. Andrew Garfield has some legit wheels.

LOL! A walker Vulcan Nerve Pinches T-Bone (but with its teeth!)  Now I know why T-bone had so many lines.  It all makes sense now.

T-Bone has me more confused than Carrie Mathison in Homeland Season 1!

Oh, T-Bone.  You had a good run, probably a season and a half too long, but still, it was good. Wait, no it wasn’t. It was terrible.

At least T-Bone’s going to keep on fighting!

Every minute of screen time counts, bitch!

—————

Back to Woodbury!

Andrea gives Merle a map with the location of Hershel’s farm. Be careful Merle…

Carl did this.

Merle calls Andrea, “Blondie.”  I think I’ll use that nickname. Thanks Merle!  You’re the best! (not really)

Meet Blondie!

—–

Back to the Prison!

Carol’s haircut tells T-Bone she’s not going to let T-Bone “become one of those things.”  Firstly, yes you are Carol. You’re not a brilliant scientist. In fact, I doubt your husband, the late Ed Haircut,  even allowed you to learn basic science.  Secondly, aren’t we at least a year past calling the walkers “those things?” They’re not exactly an unexplained phenomenon at this point.  In San Francisco I don’t run up to hippies shouting, “Keep away from me WHATEVER YOU ARE!!!!!!”

San Francisco’s “walkers”

It bothers me to admit it, but Carl’s Jr is doing an impressive, capable job guiding Maggie and his mom to safety in the prison.

All in good time too, as Lori appears to be going into labor.

Lori’s labor confirmed by fucking Chris Hardwick.  God damn AMC for what they’re doing with the Talking Dead. It’s like watching a movie with an asshole friend who pauses it every 15 minutes to talk about what just happened.  Let me watch the god damn show and stop interrupting me to tell me a Twitter hashtag.

“Chris Hardwick single-handedly makes me want to torrent Walking Dead.” – Chas

Fuck it.  In honor of T-Bone’s pending death, I’m adding Chris Hardwick to my list of Walking Dead characters who need to go.

Hey Chris! Those thumbs are pointed in the wrong fucking direction.

——

Back to Woodbury!

Merle and the Governor are hitting golf balls together.  Merle wants to look for Boondock. The Governor doesn’t think it’s time but he has no idea how close Boondock is to sleeping with Carol’s Haircut.  THERE IS NO TIME TO ARGUE, King-Governor Compton!

It always starts with a romantic sleeper hold

—-

Back to the prison!

Lori is going into labor but something is wrong with the pregnancy.  God willing,  Chris Hardwick will popup on top of Lori’s belly to give us details on the complications and provide everyone with an insipid hashtag…

T-Bone sacrifices himself for Carol.  They certainly don’t let any of the main characters go softly into the night on this show.  Old Man Lookout was on the business end of a stomach rip and T-Bone takes it to the neck:

It falls right off the (t)Bone!

Back to Woodbury!

Governor Compton and Blondie have a goodbye drink.  He’s paying Andrea an inordinate amount of interest . There must be a good chance Blondie is a fairy.  Not the kind Merle said she was, this kind:

“We will walk in the sun!” – Governor Compton

There’s a good chance Andrea is related to Jacob Silj:

 

—-

Back to the prison.

Surviving Inmate #1 saves Rick’s life.  I believe that’s the official way to get into the Ricktocracy.  Good work Surviving Inmate #1!

Lori wants Maggie to give her an emergency C-section. I give Lori an emergency “C-”

Lori’s results are in.

——

Back to Woodbury.  

Andrea insists on staying in Woodbury. She plans to bore everyone to death via plot summaries and take over the town. That’s a very real possibility.

—–

Back to the prison

As Lori prepares to go under Maggie’s knife she fills Carl’s Jr’s  head with lies about his intelligence and his courage.  Maggie delivers the baby and Lori dies.  Carl’s Jr thanks his mother for her kind words by putting a bullet in her head to prevent her from turning. Good work Carl’s Jr!

Back to the prison yard.  The tragedy of Lori’s loss hits the group harder than anything before.  This is Andrew Garfield’s Emmy scene. He crushes it.   I have nothing funny to say about this scene.  Tremendous.  Overall, amazing work this week from the Walking Dead’s cast and crew (even T-bone!)

It was a tremendous day for Walking Dead on Red Bull.  Two characters on my death list died in the same episode and Talking Dead is next.

Count it!

Epilogue:

It’s clear to me now that the show is better off without Frank Darabont. If he’d listened to his own film it may have saved him a public booting:

“Son, six wardens (read: networks)  have been through here in my tenure, and I’ve learned one immutable, universal truth: Not one of them born whose asshole wouldn’t pucker up tighter than a snare drum when you ask them for funds.”

Fucking Brooks!

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